To the girl I’ll never understand

They said to write it out, so here I am.

I just want to be seen. Seen as someone who isn’t always strong and needs attention, love, and empathy. I am so hard on myself, an urge to be perfect. I’ve usually blamed it on my OCD/ADHD, but I struggle to trust myself and my diagnosis, as I am the one who had to search for that care. I have people that care, but it never feels like enough. I have a tendency to withdrawal when I feel at my worst. It’s definitely a cry for attention, but I never get it. When I step out of my comfort zone to share what I’m feeling, it always comes out in cries and emotional dumping because I don’t know how to get my words out in an organized and prioritized manner. It’s all so chaotic. I just want to be loved for the worst parts of me, so I can appreciate when only the goods parts are noticed. I push everyone away and reset with new friends and cutting off family. I always feel bad, regardless of why. I am tired. I am tired of overthinking every encounter, good or bad, and replaying it in my head a million times, to help understand why encounters end. Even if I’ll see them again and nothing went wrong. My fear of abandonment is consuming my life. Good people come into my life and I fail to trust them. And it’s always the closest ones I treat like crap. Maybe it’s a test to see which part of me they refuse to put up with. I blame my diagnosis, I blame my childhood trauma, I blame circumstances around me. I am the toxicity I experience and I don’t want to do this to people around me. I love them. I hate me more than I love me. Keeping relationships is so hard, and it feels like a restarting cycle every two years.