i think i am afraid to stay clean

i have been cutting on and off for over a decade. i am currently 4 months and 28 days clean. i have never reached 6 months clean since i started. i'm getting close to hitting that 6 months mark and i feel nothing but awful about it. i don't know why i can't feel any pride or happiness about stopping. i stopped mostly due to my partner's worry about me and not an internal desire to, but i can still logically see it's a good thing. i should feel good about going this long, almost the longest i've ever gone.

when i think about never doing it again for as long as a may live, i hate the thought of that. that could be decades. it makes me feel ill. i think it may be due to people in my childhood only taking me seriously about my mental illnesses if i was actively hurting myself. it's like if i don't have some external wound to show my hurt, i have nothing to prove i'm in pain. i don't know why i feel a need to prove i'm in pain. it's so difficult to explain it, and i feel i can't talk about it to anybody in person.