I'm done with this being lonely shit

one thing before you read this, no, I can't join clubs at school. we don't have any to join, so please don't recommend that.

I'm not sure why I feel this way but everyone's been talking about prom lately and it hasn't made me forget how I didn't even get to go to homecoming in the fall. I've been asked multiple times "why weren't you at homecoming?" and it's embarrassing to say, in our tiny, tiny school of 480 kids where everybody knows everybody, "I had no one to go with." even my strictly homeschooled friends got to go to their local school's homecoming. it's not fair.

I cry myself to sleep all the time because it makes me realize how lonely I rly am. I have no boyfriend. my best friend lives seven hours away. I've never kissed anyone which has lead me too believe I'm not attractive. these are supposed to be the best years of your life, but why aren't they? where are my friends? why do I feel stuck? where are the sleepovers? the memories? the life-long friends? the fun? where is it at?

I've grown up being told "you're gonna be beating those boys off with a stick!" and all that's happened so far is two boys pranking me into thinking one of them liked me and that he wanted my phone number. or I got one boy's number but he ghosted my ass. it's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed. I feel embarrassed when girls my age or a grade younger ask me if I've ever kissed anyone and I have to tell them no. one girl said she didn't believe me when I told her that. like yeah, I wish I was lying. I'm fifteen fucking years old and I can't even kiss anyone. I can't ever get boys to talk to me. what is wrong with me?

and I know I'm not original for saying "oh I want a boyfriend soooo bad" but I just want someone to hold me so. bad. I am CRAVING physical touch of some kind. I CRAVE it. I NEED it. i need to be held. I need kisses on my forehead. I need to be told I am pretty. I need to be taken care of. I need someone to play with my hair and rock me to sleep. i need to be told i am safe and loved. I someone to say they love me always and forever and mean it. i NEED someone. badly. i cry myself to sleep almost every night about that as well.

I feel lonely and I want to have friends or someone to call my own. someone. something. I just need and want to feel loved and appreciated and seen.