[New update] Overheard fiancé’s friends saying that he is settling for me
Originally posted in r/OffMyChestIndia by user throwaway3972467
Original: Jan 31, 2025
Update1: Feb 3, 2025
Update2: Feb 27, 2025 (NEW)
Status: unclear
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*** Editor's note for context:
- This is the Indian version of the offmychest sub and varieties. To read previous BORU and the context notes and comments, see here
- One modern method to search for a partner in arranged marriage market is through WhatsApp. Matchmakers/nosy aunties/community elders run these small groups where people of that community/ethnicity can join through fee/recommendation. They share profiles of singles and people can then take it forward to set up dates
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Original -- I 25f overheard my 26m fiance’s friends talking about how he’s settling for me.
Soo I 25f have had a crush on my fiance ever since we were 6 I would ask him out through friends ever so often until I turned 15. Everyone around us(including him) knew that I had a huge crush on him and the fact that he never really said no he would always either respond with ‘ik she has a crush on me’ him never giving a clear answer just fuelled my delusions ik it wasn’t his fault I was just being crazy.
I never really got much attention from guys except a few whereas he got tones and tones of attention from girls. until the time I turned 23 and he turned 24 I hadn’t had any boyfriend, whereas he had, had been in around 13 relationships( that Ik of) some might’ve been more serious than the others.
But yes so 2 years back we met again in a different city where we were both working and we started hanging out together as he didn’t really know anyone in that city. One thing led to another and we started dating. Overtime we got quite serious then just a week back he proposed and I said yes.
Yesterday while at our engagement party I was in the washroom from where I could hear the conversation outside in the parking area because of a window present in the washroom, I overheard a few of his friends discussing how my fiance is just settling for me as I would worship him and do whatever he would ask of me.
Now this has me rethinking our entire relationship as I have always internally felt as if he wasn’t really in the relationship as much as I was cause of little things like he wouldn’t hold my hand on the sidewalk or he would just respond to my ‘i love you’ with thank you.
Even the proposal I had told him that I wanted to get married by 26 I wonder whether he actually wanted to marry me or was it just me pressuring him. he is a conventionally attractive guy whereas I am slightly below average and I don’t even have the personality to make up for it.
I really love him but I don’t think he loves me the same. Ever since yesterday everything has been numb I have no idea what to think or even do. I don’t know what to do
Overall comments feel: people tell her to reconsider
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Update 1 (3 days later)
Okay so firstly I’d like to thank you all for your advice.
So the day after posting this I met up with my fiance. On meeting him I told him how I have been feeling and did not mention the fact that I overheard his friends. On hearing that he became emotional and admitted to not being attracted to me physically but liking me as a person. It honestly did hurt as in my head I was expecting him to say something along the lines of him loving me no matter what others thought.
He still wants to marry me and I still love him. He has promised to try harder and be more present in the relationship. He really has been trying these past few days, he texts me every single day and also reciprocates my ‘i love yous’.
Also, I told my mother and grandmother about everything that has been happening to which their response was more on the lines of I should be grateful that someone like him is going for someone like me and once we get married he will change over time.
Now this has put me in a tougher position but honestly speaking I think I will just go ahead with the wedding as the other option is arranged marriage which I am not really keen on. And he has really started putting in effort, I do believe that he will actually fall for me gradually.
Overall comments feel: people facepalm
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NEW: Update 2 (3 weeks later)
I have attached my earlier posts above.
Hello so, alot has happened since my last update. I’ve been in two minds ever since that day. After posting the update and receiving a flood of negative responses, I had a moment of realisation that I had been avoiding. So, I decided to have another conversation with him, one final talk where I laid everything bare. I told him exactly how I felt and I admitted the truth I had known deep down but had been too afraid to voice, he didn’t really love me. He neither confirmed nor denied just stayed silent.
After that, I ended it. I called off the engagement and handed the ring back to him. He didn’t fight me on it, didn’t argue, didn’t try to change my mind. He just sat there, silent, only said ‘okay’. That was it. No grand declarations, no desperate attempts to stop me. Just okay. And that, more than anything, solidified my decision. If he had truly loved me, wouldn’t he have said something? Wouldn’t he have at least tried?
But two days after that conversation, he showed up at my place and started begging me to take him back. He began showing up at my place every other day with flowers and started sending over gifts. It’s been two weeks of this now, and I don’t know what to make of it. I wish I could say I was immune to it, that I was standing strong, but the truth is I still love him. And seeing him actually trying, something I had wanted for so long has me melting, I haven’t yet taken him back but I am very close to doing so.
The other day he even showed up at my parents place asking them to convince me. They already were not in favour of my decision to break off the engagement, him trying just fuelled them even more. There’s constant pressure of taking him back through them. They see my decision to leave him as something illogical.
I honestly don’t know what to believe I am just scared that once I take him back he’ll go back to his old ways. Plus my mother has joint some matrimonial WhatsApp groups and keeps sending me pictures of guys urging me to go meet up with them. I think she just wants me married off to whom doesn’t matter. And as I am an only child both of them don’t have anyone else to focus on. I do not know what to do anymore not that I was ever clear in the first place. There’s just constant pressure through my parents and relatives to get married and It has really started to affect me.
Comments:
East-Town150 -- Don't go back.. Finally first story I have read on reddit where someone took self respect more importantly. Don't reverse it please. 🙏🏻 It's not like he started finding you attractive in 2 days bro come on. DON'T TAKE HIM BACK
lexybot -- Girl you did good. And the reality is that once you take him back he’s gonna go back to his old ways sooner or later. He is just in the immediate shock of the breakup and nothing more. Once it passes he is going to feel relieved. Believe me, if you take him back , his old doubts are going to creep up and you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to convince him that you’re good enough for him. You’ll spend the rest of your life doubting yourself and your worth. He is going to erode your confidence self esteem away. Stay strong and let this pass. Give it time. Stand your ground.
GodzillaJizz -- 1. Kudos to you for having self respect and making a decision to end what you thought was "settling for".
2. On the other hand, I wonder why he settled for you if he had so much female attention. Maybe he sees something in you that he hasn't found anywhere else?
3. Physical attraction is necessary, but at the same time slightly overrated. The shine of a beautiful girl or a handsome man wears off quickly when you get down to the business of living your daily lives together, raising kids, supporting families etc.
Suggest talking to him to figure out why he wants you. You're not bound by anything and you've already broken the engagement. It costs you nothing to figure out whether it's worth salvaging. Good luck.
REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
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