AITA for telling my husband his mom can't live with us for months-long stretches
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/RewardSpecialist3390 posting in r/AITAH
Ongoing as per OOP
2 updates - Medium
Original - 10th March 2025
Update1 - 11th March 2025
Update2 - 12th March 2025
AITA for telling my husband his mom can't live with us for months-long stretches
r/AITAH • 3 days ago
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and our son is 10 months old. We live in Canada. I grew up here while my husband immigrated when he was a student. My parents live nearby which has been invaluable during my pregnancy and since. My mom comes over regularly to help us out, my husband and her are on good terms too so it's been going well. His parents live in another country. We have visited them once since we got married, that was 7 months ago. The time prior to that was our wedding itself which took place there.
My husband had been talking about my MIL visiting soon for a long visit which I was happy with. We recently moved into our new house, I've done a good job decorating it, we have a large guest room, and I was looking forward to hosting her especially since it would make my husband happy. A couple of days ago he was complaining about how detailed her visa application was. I told him I was surprised it was so thorough. He told me that it's because while regular visa forms allow a stay of 6 months max, this one allows 2 years. I asked why would she need a stay of more than 6 months. He said that she had been thinking of winding up her medical practice and basically retiring, and this would then allow her to stay for a longer visit if we all decide that it works.
I was stunned. I told him he should just do the regular app because his mom won't be staying for anywhere close to 6 months. I had it in my mind that she'd be staying for like a month. That's how long we stayed for when we went there. He said that's his mom, she tells him how alone she feels, she can't go to my BIL's because he lives with roommates, and we can't just put a timer on her visit here. He said she's been looking forward to helping us out with our son. I told him we don't need help we manage fine on our own and with my mom's help. I wanted to host his mom as a guest not as a part of our household. He complained that how was it fair that my parents could visit whenever they wanted while his can't. I was hurt by that because my parents have helped us out a lot and I asked him if he wants us to limit how often my mom comes to visit. He said no, that's not what he meant, that he likes her but it wasn't fair to his parents. My reply was that when my mom comes, she goes at the end of the day. That wouldn't be the case with his. I ended it by saying he should look into the easier regular form because she can't be thinking of staying for that long. He chose to sleep on the couch that night and has been cold with me since. I hate that. We've never been cold to each other like this.
I talked to my mom too. She said that having his mom live with us for long stretches would definitely affect me. That this is worth fighting for.
I haven't seen him working on the application since. Last night he went out when his mom called. When he came back I asked him how she took it. He told me he had told her he's looking into what application best suits her. He asked me if I'd changed my mind. I said no. He just shook his head and started watching TV. AITA?
Comments
JennyBeanseesall
NTA. If she’s winding up her practice she can move to Canada IN HER OWN PLACE and visit like your mom. No need for her to live with you.
Haunting_Cicada_4760
This! I don’t understand why if she’s winding down her medical practice and wanting to be gone for up to 2 years she wouldn’t rent her own house nearby! She’s a welcome visitor for a certain amount of time but if she’s wanting to stay for an extended period of time she needs her own accommodations. There’s a difference between a visit and moving in!
Update - 1 day later
Thank you for the feedback in the original post. Yesterday when he came back from work I tried to start the conversation again. He had been giving me the cold shoulder since all this started. I told him I'm his wife of 2 years and the mother of his child, this isn't how we're going to communicate. We started talking after that.
I held my ground that his mom staying with us for so long wasn't tenable. If she wanted to visit Canada for longer than a couple of months, she would have to live in her own apartment, learn how to drive, or use public transport (she's used to being driven by a hired driver in Pakistan), and a whole bunch of other changes that she'd need to get used to. That I don't see myself changing my mind on this so he needs to be honest with her and himself and not go down the "we'll keep our options open" route. He said that he knows her living with us for an extended stay would require some changes on our part, but he was asking me to do this as a favor to him, that I claim to love him, and yet can't do him this favor for his mom.
I actually started sobbing when he said this, it was so hurtful that he was using this as a litmus test for our love. I said her being around for years would ruin our parenthood with our first child, that I want us to raise our child the way we see fit, not his mom. Also, all the intimate moments we have, our sex life, everything would suffer. My parents are Pakistani too, I know this will happen. He again asked me to just not shut the door completely, that he'll tell his mom the stay can only be for a month or so, and I can let him know if I think the change wasn't too much. And we landed on a compromise that for now they'll do the regular visa app that only allows a max stay of 6 months. If I changed my mind, he'll do the super visa.
He then had a long call with his mom, which his older sister also joined. It actually lasted an hour and a half. He was in the backyard for the call and came back in to grab a chair it was that long. Also, from what I could see he was mostly listening for that convo.
When he came back in, he told me to just not answer any calls or messages from his mom or sister. Meanwhile I've received like 4 missed calls and 20 messages from them mostly Islamic quotes about the rights of parents. I've told them that I can't talk right now since I'm busy with my son right now. I asked him how it went, he said as well as he expected. But he's not giving me the cold shoulder anymore.
I do feel guilty because like I said I was actually looking forward to host her for a month, and I think this whole thing may have caused irreparable damage not just to my relationship with my MIL and SIL, but my husband's relationship with his mom and sister. Ive told my MIL I'll call her back in a couple of hours, once my husbands back. I'm dreading that conversation but I know what my boundaries are. Thank you for the feedback, it helped.
Edit: Also, one thing that I had to clarify a few times last post. A lot of people were like this is what happens when you marry outside your culture. My husband and I are both of Pakistani descent. Just that I was born here, while he immigrated here as a student. But he's been here for like a decade now too.
Update - 1 days later
I spoke to my MIL. Since her missed calls and text messages were asking me to call her, I figured I should be the one to call, not my husband. But I put my phone on speaker, so that my husband who was lying on the couch could also hear it.
She said that my husband had told her he thought it'd be best if she restricts her trip to one month, since it was her first time in Canada, and because we were really busy with my son. She said that ever since my husband had gone to Canada as an 18 year old, he'd always wanted her to visit for a long duration and now all of a sudden he was asking her to restrict it when she wanted to help with her grandson, and said she knew I must be the reason why. I said it was a joint decision because of the circumstances but she wouldn't hear of it. She said if her visiting for more than a month was so outrageous to us, then that's fine she'll limit her stay but I should know that in Pakistan in-laws live in the same house with the married couple, like my SIL does, and that she had thought I was in touch with my Islamic and Pakistani roots when I was getting married because that's what my husband had told her, but she was disappointed at how whitewashed I was. At this point my husband asked me to give him the phone, but not before I told her that I was totally comfortable with how in tune with my heritage I was, and that apparently so was her son, told her my husband had just come and handed him the phone.
My husband went in the yard to talk, but I was so angry I decided to eavesdrop. He was talking to both my MIL and FIL. He told them that it's not like he fled to Canada in the middle of the night as a student, they both had happily seen him off at the airport. And that when he had introduced me, he hadn't kept the fact that I was born and raised in Canada a secret either. That they can't expect to treat us like a couple in Pakistan. Then he listened a whole lot for like half an hour, (I gave him a chair again) and kept telling them that it's different now. They ended the call, with him saying that we were both really looking forward to her visit, that we'll make sure it's a great 30 or so days, with us and her grandson.
He apologized to me on behalf of his mom, and asked me to please let her lecture go and still be onboard with the one month plan. I'm looking forward to it much less than I was but I said fine.
Comments
Negative-Bill3792
NTA x1000. If MIL moves in, your marriage will be over— the strain and resentment will be insurmountable. Better that MIL and SIL are unhappy than your family’s life implodes.
ChiWhiteSox24
The resentment is permanent too
TootsNYC
I actually love my MIL and FIL, but I'm still salty about them pushing in on one of my vacations when my now-husband and I were dating. We got past it, but it took something to do so. And that was a one-week imposition!
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