My last vent

I’m 39 weeks pregnant and I need to vent, I really hope this will be my last pregnancy related rant…I have, by this point, put on probably half my pre-pregnancy weight if not more. I no longer have a jawline. I don’t like looking at myself, being in photos, being perceived. I just want the process of postpartum to start so I can stop feeling this uncomfortable insecure uncertainty about how swollen and big I’ll look forever. It’s also physically so hard on my previously smaller frame carrying all this weight around. My knees and hips. My back. I get shooting sciatica pain when I have to roll out of bed in the night to pee. I’m so tired of being large, I never thought I’d be this big and I hate ever being reminded that some women only ever gain 10-20 pounds and “watch what they eat” during pregnancy. I’m a blob and I love to eat bread and sweets and I try to walk around but it fucking hurts a lot so I’m probably not burning many calories!

Whatever! I want to meet the baby and move on to the next step. I’m dreading the lack of sleep but I don’t care. Being this pregnant is just so unpleasant now.

And there’s been no mucus, no bloody show or any of the many lovely things that let you know you’re gonna have a baby soon. I thought she dropped, but I’m still “carrying high” enough for a stranger on the street to tell me it’s a girl. I want to go into labor naturally but I have absolutely no reason to think I will. I don’t want to still be pregnant in even a week. I don’t want an induction. I don’t want them to sweep my cervix but I feel absolutely no indication physically or intuitively that the baby is remotely close to coming out.

I am so sick of this. Please feel free to commiserate if you can relate.