I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Theroyalglow

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1

[New Updates]: AITA for wanting to disinvite my fiancés childhood girl ‘best friend’ from attending our wedding for drunkenly confessing her love for him at my bachelorette party?

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: November 24, 2024

I (23f) and my fiancé Elijah (28m), are due to get married at the end of next month at our destination wedding. Last night was my bachelorette party and I invited my closest family and friends to come along with a few of my fiancés family and his friend Kami (27f).

For some backstory I and my fiancé met when I was 19 years old. Both of our fathers are business partners and have been friends since I was in high school. One night his family invited mines over for a party being held at their home and that was the first time we met. I was attracted to him but I knew he was older so I didn’t believe I had a chance. As the night progressed he was hanging outside in his backyard alone smoking and my sister dared me to go talk to him. So I did… and a year later we began a relationship.

My fiancé and Kami have been friends since they were kids and their families are very close. She’s always been extremely nice towards me and wanted to be ‘best friends’ from the first time we met. I found it a bit odd only because she barely knew me but I didn’t think much of it because she had been dating my fiancé's best friend Antonio (28m). We didn’t become best friends because I already have a close friend group and I don't trust easily but she’s always been cool and never crossed any boundaries.

Last summer my fiance proposed to me on a trip to Belize. When the announcement was made everyone sent their congratulatory praises to us but Kami.

She sent a text the next day (to my fiancé only not our friend group chat) saying she was happy for him. She was a bit stand offish to me since then but again I never paid attention really became I have my own friends and life. About 6 months ago Antonio and Kami broke up but never really stated the reason why just that they want to go back to being friends and be happy with other people.

Fast forward to last night my bachelorette was in a suite, at a popular hotel here in Miami (where I live). Planned by my older sister and Eli’s sister Ava (26f). The night was amazing and I truly had the time of my life. We all were getting wasted and I’d decided to go to the bathroom and when I got closer, I heard voices and whimpering like someone was crying. It was then I heard Kami telling Ava, that this should be her and that she doesn’t understand why he would want to be with someone like me, when it was always supposed to be them two together. That she always loved him. I sobered the hell up instantly.

I might have to do a part 2, but guys tells me would I be the asshole for disinviting her from my wedding, when it’s a month away?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Take a breath and think for a moment, don't unilateral decide not to invite her or you'll drive a wedge between you and your fiancé.

• Talk to his sister first, confirm what you heard. See how she plays it off.

• Talk to your fiancé tell him what you overheard and ask him to ask his sister to have confirmation.

Then go from there.

As a whole NTA.

Commenter 2: NTA but you have to talk to your fiancé..

Tell him exactly what you heard. Make sure to emphasize that you didn’t have any problem whatsoever with her or their friendship, but that now that you know that her feelings are not the same as a friend then you need him to have boundaries with her and you don’t feel comfortable with her being at the wedding when all this time she didn’t want to be a supportive friend but instead the bride.

Commenter 3: This is certainly an awkward and difficult situation. I think you should speak to your fiancé about it and go from there. If she can’t be an actual friend and supportive of you both, then she should remove herself from the situation if she’s not over him or having issues of jealousy. Definitely not someone you’d want being a distraction at your wedding.

Commenter 4: You need to talk to your fiance. Their friendship needs to end. Once it's out there like that there is no coming back from this. The two of you need to be on the same page or hold off the wedding. Do not marry him if he won't end his friendship with someone who confessed to his sister that she's in love with him. She told her because she wants her to tell him and for him to choose her. That's not ok. He needs to be the one to uninvited her. NTA

Update: November 26, 2024 (two days later)

Wow! Thank you to everyone who has given me advice and reached out to me in my messages. You guys are amazing!

Before I get into this update @thereddithero count your freaking days! I was minding my business scrolling down TikTok and saw my story lol. I commented but immediately deleted because I didn't want to be found. My question is, y’all couldn’t wait until I at least updated before taking my story to another platform? Lol

For some clarification, I referred to Kami as my fiancé’s ’best friend’ because I didn't know what else to call her. Maybe childhood friend? Idk but they have never went out of their way to call each other that, but that how I see them.

Ok now for the update:

After I heard what was said, the old me started to revert back and I almost caused a scene but I knew with my siblings, cousins, and friends all being there it would get out of control and I still wanted to enjoy my night, but I did continue to listen.

Some of you were wondering what Ava had to say about all of this. After Ava was able to calm Kami down she explained to her that this was not the time and place and that Elijah would never forgive her if she ruined my bachelorette party. She also told her that she thinks that she should leave and get herself together. I was about to walk in now, at the same time they were walking out. I acted as if I didn’t hear anything and asked if everything was ok. Kami just wiped her face looking down, stating that she wasn’t feeling well and that she might have to cut the night short. I honestly didn’t fight her on it and even walked her ass to the door because TF?

After she left I pulled Ava to the side telling her that I heard everything. She apologized that I heard it and said that she would reach out to Eli to handle it, but I said no. Some of you also wanted to know why Kami said, it should've been her? Did her and my ex have something going on before? I knew they hadn’t but needed to be sure. So I asked if they had ever been together or dated?

In response Ava said not that she was aware of, only that their moms would always joke around when they were teens saying that they could finally be ‘related’ once Eli and Kami get married. She said that never happened because Eli was never into her (Kami is a gorgeous girl, but my Fiancé does have a certain type, and it’s not her. Respectfully)… I wanted to ask more questions but I thought I’d wait until I spoke with my fiancé for further answers. After that I continued the party, and even spoke with Eli quickly before bed. I posted on Reddit the next day after I had gotten home before I did anything drastic.

My Fiancé came home later that evening and once he settled in and relaxed I told him everything that happened. To say that he was irate is taking it lightly, he was absolutely furious. I asked if there was ever anything between them, that I was never told about? I asked if they had ever been intimate and if she had ever confused her love for him before.

He made it clear that there has never been anything but a friend’s relationship in his eyes. He said that they had never had sex before but did kiss once back in high school playing bottle games with alcohol but it was in a group and everyone kissed multiple people including Antonio. He said that she has never confessed her ‘love’ for him and is confused because he’s the one that played a role in Antonio and her dating. He wanted to call her right then and there but I told him to calm down first because being upset would only make things worse. I want to say that my Fiancé isn't mad that I heard it or is trying to hide anything. He’s upset because he feels hurt, and betrayed that she would do this to him and at my party, when we were all there to support me. My Fiancé can get really protective of me at times, he doesn’t like to hear anything negative.

I did expressed to him that I feel uncomfortable with her going to our wedding now. I want people at our wedding who are genuinely happy and supportive of us. Tonight, he texted her saying that he needs to speak with her. She replied saying she will let him know when she’s home. So we will see how tonight’s conversation goes. He also invited Antonio over for dinner and will speak to him about what’s going on because things feel off.

A lot of you were also questioning her’s and Antonio relationship and if she used him to make Eli jealous. So we will all be present when the conversation does happen, to see what she has to say for herself.

Since Thanksgiving is in a few days, I will update you guys on how the conversation goes and if anything new comes to light. Just give me sometime to get through this holiday. Also, I have a wedding dress fitting tomorrow. I’m so EXCITED! I might make a collage and show you guys my reference photos. Xoxo

Happy Holidays!

EDIT: IF YOU THINK THIS POST IS FAKE THEN DON’T REPLY OR INTERACT WITH IT. IM TRYING TO BE NICE BUT I WILL CURSE YALL TF OUT!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Whatever happens, don't let it happen, and just be careful that this "friend situation" hurts the most beautiful moment of your life. You and your fiance came from a long journey to get to this point, so enjoy and don't let her steal this from you

OOP: Exactly! This is a happy moment for me and him. I will definitely enjoy!

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Final Update: December 9, 2024 (13 days later)

I’m pasting the edit from my previous update in case you guys didn’t see it.

HEY GUYS!! Thank you so much for all the love and supportive messages and DMs. I didn’t mean to keep you guys waiting this long for an update. My younger brother (16M) was in a car accident Thanks Giving night where he was injured. Thankfully he is ok with just a sprained wrist and a concussion. The other driver, however, passed away, as he was speeding. This has been a lot to digest but things seem to be calming down now. I will have an update for you guys by the morning. Bear with me there’s a lot to update you guys on so it will be a brand new post.

It’s actually Monday evening now, but let’s get into this LONG update. Please excuse any typos.

So that night we ended up inviting Antonio over and basically told him everything that happened up to that point. He actually wasn’t shocked at all by the news and stated that one of the main reasons why they broke up was because he felt like Kami pulled away after hearing about the engagement. He never said anything because he didn’t want to cause any issues between my fiancé and I. My husband said she did become distant as well but of course we have our own lives we’ve been planning for so it honestly wasn’t high on his priority list that would’ve made him address it then. Well of course now we know why, so he wanted to address it to her now.

About 30 minutes later Kami texted Eli that she was home and would call once she was settled in. When she did call before she could even say hello good my fiancé started. He asked her why she thought it was okay to go to my bachelorette party and say that she loves him and that he should be with her instead of me? He asked her why would she ever think it’s okay to also bring it up to his sister and getting her involved? She was taken aback and asked what he was talking about, which pissed him off. He told her that I heard what she told Ava in the bathroom and that she was out of line to even suggest that they ever had anything more than a family friendship. She said she couldn’t help how she feels and that being at my bachelorette party made it real for her and she just needed to get it off her chest and thought she could trust Ava. He asked her why if all this time she had feelings for him, would she be with Antonio when he set them up.

Kami said she thought that things wouldn’t get serious between them and thought eventually that he would come around. Said that she would give hints but he would never reciprocate. He told her that although they’ve had a long friendship that this was something that he couldn't look past and that she is no longer invited to the wedding. He told her that he would assist her in any returns or refunds that she would need for any money spent so far. Kami was upset and said that she didn’t mean for me to hear what she said and that she was never gone to make any problems for us. He said it didn't matter that we were only inviting people to the wedding that love and support our relationship and that her actions shows that she didn't. Kami then started talking shit about me saying that I think that I’m all that, and that I believe I’m better than her. Eli cut her off saying that I don’t think that I’m all of that but if she believes that I’m better than her then she should evaluate her own insecurities and work on that. He then hung up.

Antonio and I were so shocked all we could honestly do was laugh. She clearly has always felt this way about me but was faking it in my face. I don’t even know why she would think those things about me as she’s older than me and more successful. I’m still beginning my career and not even where I want to be to even believe I’m better than anyone. I’m just living my life and going with flow. After the phone call we all just discussed what happened, ate, and then Antonio left. He really didn't have any feelings towards the issue because he’s now seeing someone else and have moved on from the situation stating that she needs help.

The next day was the day before Thanksgiving and since my family was hosting thanksgiving dinner, Eli’s parents had a small gathering at their home for their immediate family and friends. Me and my fiancé were invited, including his sister, her husband, Kami, and her family. I really didn't know what to expect when getting ready to go there because I knew it would be awkward seeing Kami in person after the argument the night before. My fiancé didn't say anything but I could tell he was still upset about everything.

When we got to the party everyone was already pretty much at there except a few people. Before we even sat down or spoke to everyone Eli told his family that he had something to say. Kami was sitting off to the side with her parents and brother, not wanting to engage. He begin saying that since it’s close to the wedding he might as well announce to everyone that if they do not love and support us getting married, that they would be permanently disinvited from the wedding.

His mom asked where this was coming from and everyone was nervously looking around. He told her apparently there’s people in this house that has an issue with him being engaged and that those people won’t be allowed to attend. I’m guessing Kami had already told her parents what happened because then her mom started to speak. She said that she thought it was tasteless to disinvite her daughter to the wedding after how long they had been close. Eli responded saying that he thought it was tasteless for her daughter to go to his fiancés bachelorette party saying that it should’ve been her’s.

At this point everyone was shocked, including me, because I had no idea he was going to address it to his family. They started to argue back and forth, with Ava’s dad getting involved. Eli was having none of it and said that none of them would be invited except for Kami’s brother, who wasn’t agreeing with what his sister had did. Kami’s family ended up leaving shortly after the confrontation. Eli’s mom was shocked and hurt about everything that happened but supported us. She said she would speak with her friend and that she felt it was all inappropriate. I apologized to her and Eli’s dad, saying that I hated that this happened and that it is causing a rift. She and Ava told me I have nothing to be sorry about and that they all were on our side.

Kami ended up sending both Eli and Ava very long nasty messages about how they weren’t loyal to her and that I was purposely causing a divide between the two because I wanted to kick her out of the family and sabotage their relationship. This woman is delusional so my fiancé just blocked her. She then text me saying that me and Eli’s relationship wouldn’t last very long if I became jealous of every woman important in his life. I blocked her as well. I may be a lot of things but jealous isn’t one of them. I’m happy and very secure in my relationship. Honestly, seeing how far he’s willing to go to make sure that my day is perfect (his words, not mines), just solidified to me more than ever that I’m marrying the right person.

Thanksgiving was amazing and we had a good time with the family. Sadly, that night is when my brother got into his car accident so we had to deal with that. Sorry I kept you guys waiting for so long. Everything is now starting to calm down and now me and my fiancé can relax until next week and then we will leave for Palermo, Italy, where the wedding will be. I may update you guys in the future but for now this will be the final update. I’m willing to answer any other questions you guys may have for me in the comments.

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: This seems like an overreaction given that Kami was already distancing herself and never said anything. I think you and your fiance are full of yourselves tbh. Like the speech was unnecessary, telling others was unnecessary. Yes you and your fiancé escalated things and you talked like you should've beat her or something when you eavesdropped on a private conversation. You centered yourself. She admitted she was jealous and struggling. She didn't do anything to you. Anyways. You two drama queens, you and your fiancé, deserve each other. Weirdos.

OOP: There’s more to the story that I left out. I didn’t go into detail on what she put in the long messages she sent my fiance and his sister but this is not an overreaction. This girl has been smiling in my face, acting like my friend, wanting to be ‘Best friends’ knowing the whole time she had feelings for my fiancé.

Yes maybe my fiance could’ve handled it a little better, I’ve already spoken to him about it. But he won’t apologize for what he said he meant every last word. I 100% back my fiancé and how he chose to handle her and her parents. I don’t want no one around me who’s secretly jealous of me. Those people are dangerous and cannot be trusted.

I may be young but I have sisters and close friends around me who I trust and have been in my life for over 10 years. I don’t need nor do I want fake love and support, celebrating with me on my wedding day. I didn’t center myself at all. I didn’t know how my fiancé was going to take the news. He’s normally the calm and thoughtful one. I think he really just felt blindsided and thought I would leave him so he just wanted to set things straight before any other problems. The wedding is slowly approaching, we’re both just super anxious and just trying to take in as many happy moments that we can. Bottom of Form

Commenter 2: Yes! She always gave me pick me vibes. She always hung out with just guys. Her only real girl friend was Ava. It always felt like she was trying too hard whenever she came around all the girls. Bottom of Form

Commenter 3: Judging by Kami's mother's first reaction is to blame your fiance for the dis-invitation, it's not hard to find the source of Kami's behavior. Those two probably have the same thought process, too.

I would advice security for your wedding just to avoid some further avoidable dramas. Never think too high of some people.

Also, glad that your brother is ok. Like the other had said, keep an eye on him because no one knows when the trauma will surface. Good luck on everything!

Mini Update: December 10, 2024 (next day)

Addressing the comments.

I’m here to clear some things up:

1. My fiancé did NOT address the issue at thanksgiving dinner. The night BEFORE thanksgiving, his parents had a small get together at their home that included me, my fiancé, Ava, Ava’s husband, Kami, Kami’s brother and parents. There was also another couple that was on the way who are friend of my in-laws. When we arrived the couple hadn’t arrived yet so the confrontation did not happen in front of them. Only our two families.

2. I’ve already spoke with my husband regarding his actions that night and told him I felt like things could’ve been handled a lot more privately. Once he was able to calm down about the whole situation he also agreed. I just want to say that this is not something that my fiancé does all the time. He sweet, kind, caring, and loving. So seeing people call him ‘aggressive’ for standing up for me is baffling.

3. This morning I expressed to my fiancé that I think that he should apologize. He called Kami this morning telling her that although he does not regret anything he said, he could’ve handled the situation, maturely. The conversation went absolutely no where because all she was trying to do was get him to change his mind telling him that ‘it’s not too late to cancel the wedding.’ Honestly, I’m over It guys, it’s starting to drain on me and my happiness.

4. Ava has also apologized to Kami, and also expressed to her that she had no idea she was going to be put on blast at dinner. I don’t know and do not care what happens with their friendship from there. I won’t be going out of my way to be involved.

5. DISRESPECTFULLY, for those of you who believe that I’m the ‘Mean girl’ and I that I like drama, kindly, kiss my ass. Someone in the comments told me I ‘won’ and that I ‘got the man’. WTF IS THIS? Are you truly ok? My fiancé isn’t the ‘PRIZE’. I will never fight over a man and go out of my way to be mean to another woman over a man. I actually liked Kami, which is why she was even invited to my bachelorette party in the first place. No we weren’t super close. No she wasn’t a brides maid. But she was cool enough to celebrate with me. She always wanted to be the CENTER when it came to the boys or getting attention, not me. Before this there hasn’t really been any drama. Drama actually causes me high anxiety and it sprinkles to depression.

6. In case some of you didn’t realize everyone’s name is changed for the sake of concealing our identities.

7. Thank you guys, for all the love and supportive messages to my little brother. He’s doing ok guys, and he is being watched carefully, as we are aware that some injuries can show up after the accident.

For my mental health, I think this will be my last update. I thought I would update you guys for the wedding but these mean comments take away the fun. I truly appreciate everyone else who has left kind messages for me. You guys have truly put a smile on my face.

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