My advice 1.5 years into healing from a break-up

Hi! I've been making a list of all the things that helped me/continue to help me through my last break-up. I thought I'd share it incase it helps anyone else. I really do feel for anyone going through something similar - it's the absolute worst. I'm sending you lots of love. And a big hug too. I don't have the rona, I promise.

All the love!

Kate x

• This is your present moment. Right now. Accept it. Be ok with it. Because this is how it’s meant to be. If it’s happening, it’s right. It’s that simple.
• Be kind to yourself! This is a big one. You’re going through one of, if not the hardest thing anyone can ever go through. To love someone so intensely; to give your time, heart and energy to someone for however long - and then have that disappear, is brutal. Give yourself a fucking break. (I lost my mum to a sudden heart attack 2 years ago, and I lost my ex-boyfriend 6 months later. I know which one I'd rather do again, let’s just put it that way...)
• On the other side of this intense pain, is the most amount of confidence and joy. I promise you that. To feel an extreme low naturally opens up extreme highs. You'll know much more authentic joy and happiness after you've experienced a big loss.
• Mindfulness is gonna be your best friend going forward. The sooner you can get to grips with your own thoughts and mind, and watch what the fuck is going on up there, the sooner you’ll emerge from this. When you notice yourself being a dick to yourself, or getting stuck in ‘I’m angry, I’m sad, why did it go like this? Why didn’t I do that?' - whatever it is - stop that shit immediately. Nip it in the bud. The past is done. You cannot do ANYTHING about what’s happened, so stop dwelling on it. There is literally no point and it’s a waste of your time. And the future? It doesn’t exist. When the future “comes”, it’s the present moment. We only ever have a present moment. So sack off anything else because I guarantee you, your pain and confusion is coming from your thoughts about either the past or the future.
• It’s rarely the actual event that causes you pain, it’s your thoughts around it. “I’ll never find anyone like that again”, “It was my fault, I’m a fuck up, I ruined it” etc. Break-ups happen all of the time. Life is cyclical. Relationships are good and then they’re bad. This is how life works and this is how we grow. Get out of your head where that annoying inner roommate lives, just until they're nicer to you and give you a break.
• Should haves and could haves are pointless. They’re useless. There is no point putting all your energy into what COULD have happened. If it was meant to happen, it would have. So start putting your energy into your present moment. Right now. Because your right now DIRECTLY affects your future. What are you going to do for yourself right now that’s gonna make your future brighter?
• If you don’t need them in your daily life - don’t have them there. How are you going to heal in the same place you got sick? It’s as simple as that. Don’t contact them. Don't sleep with them. Don't meet up for a coffee. It will make it 1 thousand times easier for you in the long-run.
• Know that your confidence and happiness is going to make you ten times more attractive to that person. Now, that person may not deserve to be in your life whatsoever. And nine times out of ten, relationships end for a solid reason. So I am not here willing you to get back with your ex. But know and rest-assured that clinging, hoping and desperation isn’t going to do anything for you. It will do the total opposite of what you really want. Start focusing on you, and I mean truthfully and genuinely focusing on you - and good will come.
• Accept that in the present moment, your relationship for whatever reason - is not viable. In the here and now, it is not a thing. It requires BOTH parties to get down in the trenches to figure it out together. Not just one party. Truly accept that to be able to move happily to the next moment. Can you change their mind? No. Can you control the outcome? No. Can you change what's already happened? No. Then accept and move on. What other choice do you have?
• Let go of any ideas about timing; that you should be "over this" in a certain amount of time. When you dedicate your life, time and energy to one person - it takes a LOT of time to undo all that. It won’t be overnight. Give yourself so much space and grace. Don't waste time being annoyed at yourself for still feeling a certain way. Do I still love my ex? Absolutely. But I've accepted that I probably will do forever. He's awesome. It'd never stop me from actually living my life and letting myself falling in love with someone else. But it's the truth and I have to accept it as that. I know happiness doesn't come in the form of my ex-boyfriend, a new boyfriend - or ANYTHING external for that matter. It comes from me and only me. So I'm already winning.
• Try new things. If you feel yourself dwelling too much in one area, then make a deal with yourself that every time you’re stuck - you go outside for a walk. Or you ring a certain friend. Or you pick up a book (I highly recommend The Untethered Soul). Or you watch a Ted Talk. Something that’s gonna bring you wisdom, clarity and perspective.
• Trust in the process. Every single bit of it. The intense lows and wonderful highs. They’re all there FOR you, and for your growth in life. None of this is here just to piss you off or make your life difficult. It’s here to prod and poke you so that you grow, become more confident and get to a happier stage in life. Trust in that absolutely. You cannot go wrong.
• Feel all of it. All the sadness and anger and hurt. Don’t shy away from any emotion. Much like with "normal" grief, any and all emotion is ok. As long as you feel every ounce of it. You don’t want any of it stuck in you and creeping up in future relationships. Deal with it now. But for your own sanity, make sure you learn the difference between healthily processing and needlessly dwelling!
• Know that you cannot know what the other person is thinking, feeling or doing. You don’t have that right anymore, and that has to be ok. If you're constantly thinking about what they're up to, you’re creating a movie and a narrative in your head that just doesn’t exist. It’s not reality. But the more you give energy to that, the more you’ll believe it’s true - and the more your body/heart/soul/mind will think it’s true. Your mind believes whatever you tell it, so don’t feed it absolute bullshit. Feed it truth and kindness. Watch what's going on up there!
• Take this as a HUGE lesson. Because that’s what it is. Ask yourself the necessary questions. What could you have done better? What did you learn about yourself? How did you handle confrontation? Did you communicate openly? Were you a people pleaser? Are there things you wish you could have said? These are all so important - because if we don’t learn the lessons, then you can guarantee the Universe will give you another relationship like the one you just lost, to lose all over again… to force you to actually learn it. And I know you don’t want that. I don’t want that for you either.
• Stop holding on to anger of what-ifs. Notice how quick you are to defend your right to be angry or your right to still feel the same way. Feel what you need to feel, but don’t hold onto it unnecessarily. Be aware of your brain enough to know when you’re holding on just because you don’t know any different. Be upfront and honest with yourself, are you angry because you’re actually angry? Or because you don’t want to face the rejection and the loss? What is holding on going to get you? It’s not gonna make them come back, that's for sure. I'm still learning this one!
• I know first-hand how hard/impossible it feels to let go. When you love someone, you love them forever. That shit does not go away overnight. But make sure you’re honest with yourself if no-one else. What is your intuition saying? And don’t mistake fear or sadness or pain or guilt for intuition. They are wildly different, and deep down you will know that. It’s likely that deep DEEP down, you know this is the right thing for you both. Maybe you’ll find each other again in the future, but the future isn’t ours. And the future isn’t now. We have to fully be ok in our present moment first.
• It is going to be ok. Really, it is. You are going to feel true happiness and love again. This isn't a maybe or a perhaps. This is an absolute definite, and I'd bet my entire life savings on it. No matter who you are. Everything is cyclical. You may be very low right now, but your high is just around the corner waiting to greet you with open arms. I promise.
• You were a fully-functioning and happy human before this person came along, and you'll be all those things after them. Your life doesn't revolve around your ex. If you're reading this, I'm presuming you have a loving family, wonderful friends, somewhere to live, delicious food to eat, some way to make money, hobbies, music you love, films you enjoy, a phone, the internet etc. There's so much to be grateful for beyond relationships. SO MUCH. Gratitude for what you already have is the key to absolutely everything. What are you grateful for right now?
• ZOOM OUT! Realise how mental this whole life thing is. Don't take it all so seriously! We're floating on a giant rock in a Universe we know basically fuck all about. It is ABSURD. Let's just have fun and the rest will take care of itself, it always does. We're so wonderfully unique but also so amazingly insignificant. It's nuts! IT'S SO NUTS! Fuck everything! Let's get drunk.
• Lastly, rediscover and KNOW your worth. Realise how fucking awesome and exceptional you are. How incredible life is. How much you have to gain from sad experiences like this. There is so much wonder to be found in the shit-show that is loss. Be around people that make you feel amazing about yourself, because I've no doubt you're amazing. We all are. Give other people a chance to experience that too!