I have been left with no choice

For a little over a year now, I've been fighting to stay alive with severe neurological damage from an ssri. Near the end up September symptoms got so much drastically worse. My entire nervous system is actively torturing me. I have no emotions, anhedonia, severe cognitive impairment/blank mind, horrible chronic fatigue, dissociation, akathisia, dysautonomia, burning in my body, and many other symptoms. I've lost nearly all the beautiful memories of my past life, my childhood, my precious moments with family that meant everything to me. I can't feel time passing and have no understanding of it or a future. There is only the here and now where im in imexplicable agony. I'm bedbound, can't listen music, watch movies, TV or YouTube. Nothing to distract me from the suffering. I cant feel my husband or sons hugs, they're love or comfort. I wanted so badly to feel their love one last time before I left this earth, but I know now that will never happen. All I ever "feel" is intense internal dread, hopelessness, terror, and compulsive urges to harm myself from the akathisia. Ive prayed, and prayed and prayed for some healing, even if small, but it seems the more I pray the worse I get. I can't even eat food without making symptoms worse now. I wanted to live. I wanted to LIVE. But I am forced to die. My body has become uninhabitable. I don't understand why God has let me suffer this inhuman fate and let me continue to deteriorate at such a rapid rate, but I hope he can forgive me. I dont want to believe God sends people to hell who are suffering so much with no way of getting better. I hope he knows my heart and knows I'd never do anything like this if it werent necessary. I don't understand why it had to be like this. I had so much I wanted to live for. So much I wanted to do. My family deserved better. I'll never know the person my son will grow up to be. Never get the chance to grow old with my husband. It was all stolen from in the most cruelest way possible. I dont understand why.