I WANT to have a seizure

Rn I've been feeling so gross that I just want to have a seizure and get it over with...

I've been having seizures on and off since I was 18. I'm now 22. Sophomore spring semester was my worst with seizures, had one almost every month. It calmed down and I only had one every like 3 months or so. Junior spring semester it got bad again. Now I'm in my senior spring semester. Fall semester I had two seizures. Idk if now I'm getting anxious about it getting bad again bc it's spring but I have been feeling awful this week. I posted some stuff about my auras and stuff that no one responded to... so here they are for more info on how I've been feeling:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Epilepsy/comments/1jkvkq9/what_do_your_auras_feel_like/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Epilepsy/comments/1jjzfs3/help_what_do_i_do_about_auras/

Had ChatGPT help me summarize the posts:

  1. Physical Symptoms:
  2. Nausea, dizziness, and a deep pit-in-the-stomach feeling.
  3. Blurry or darkened vision, sometimes feeling like my eyes “go dark.”
  4. Racing heart and feeling like I’m going to throw up or pass out.
  5. A floating or disconnected sensation, like I’m in a bubble.

  6. Feeling physically gross or disgusting for no clear reason.

  7. Mental and Emotional Symptoms:

  8. Overwhelming feelings of cringe or disgust over normal things I say or do.

  9. Feeling like I’ve done something terribly wrong, even when I haven’t.

  10. My brain randomly firing off thoughts, making it hard to think straight.

  11. Sudden, unexplained anxiety or panic, often tied to physical symptoms.

  12. Unusual Thought Patterns & Behaviors:

  13. My brain tells me to do specific things to prevent a seizure (e.g., grabbing my boyfriend’s arm for “energy” or needing to win a game).

  14. Moments where I feel like I shouldn’t touch anyone.

  15. Feeling like certain actions (like laughing or talking) trigger symptoms.

I've just been feeling DISGUSTING and like everything I say is cringy and gross and makes me feel like I'm going to seize or throw up. They're just normal things too?? Like yesterday I was getting ready to leave my parents house with my boyfriend and I needed to go to the bathroom. I said something about our conversation about our cat as I was walking to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and felt like I was gonna throw up and my head was spinning. I got Out of the bathroom and just felt cringy.

Today, I was having a good time sitting outside with my boyfriend and I said a few things that just made me feel sick. They were just normal things?? I told him even and he said they were just normal! Then I walked to my dorm room and I've been sitting here with my heart beating fast, feeling a bit nauseous, and like I've embarrassed myself horribly???!

I kinda wanna just have a seizure and get the feeling over with and have that day long nap after a seizure to just see if I feel better. It's horrible. Feel like I'm floating and my head is spinning, there's so much in it but yet nothing??

Good edit to add:

I'm on 75mg of briviact and 50mg of Vimpat.

I got my Vimpat levels tested the other day at the doctor and they came out very low so idk what that means???