What Now?

I (42f) feel lost in the world. Idk if it is the COVID times that messed me up this much and the dramatic shift that occurred in my life around the same time or what, but I feel like I'm barely functioning some days.

I grew up with a horrifically abusive mother. That's for another time, but I had planned for a couple of years to end myself in the main entryway on my 16th birthday. The reason there was planning involved was because I didn't want to fail and risk having her as my caretaker.

Obviously, I didn't do it. The problem lies in the fact that I made no life plan for myself because I was convinced I wouldn't reach 18.

In high school, you have a routine. Right after high school, I was in college. Then I was pregnant and married to my high school boyfriend. Divorced after only a couple years, but whatever. I had a routine- taking care of my child and working a 40+ hour a week job.

My son is now graduated and has his own house. I took early retirement from my company when my plant location closed instead of moving to a state even worse than my own. I have a part-time retail job and I am just going through the motions because I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with me life.

I'm happy, I'm just...lost.