I 30(F) struggling to cope with cultural differences in my marriage

I 30 (F) married my husband (31) four months ago. We initially connected on a matrimonial site and took our time getting to know each other through numerous discussions and meetings. After realizing we were a good fit, we began to integrate our families into the conversation as well.

Coming from a Punjabi background, I’ve been fortunate to grow up in an open-minded family. I’ve never faced discrimination based on my gender, and as the only girl among boys, I’ve been spoiled with love from my family. That said, I am not soft; I’m strong-willed, well-educated, and have built a successful career on my own, earning a comfortable living.

My husband is everything I hoped for—humble, kind, and intelligent. We share a wide range of interests and can discuss various topics. He respects my ambitions and accomplishments. Although he comes from a different caste and is from Uttar Pradesh, my family has always prioritized character over caste in our relationships.

The challenge I’m facing is with my in-laws. While my husband’s immediate family members generally show respect and support for my independence, I feel deeply unsettled during visits. I attended their home for the second time to celebrate Holi, and I was shocked by their belief in the caste system, which I've never encountered before. For example, my mother-in-law suggested I save a juice bottle for members of lower castes if they ask for water. It’s incredibly frustrating to hear such things, especially from someone with a doctorate.

Additionally, I feel constrained by their expectations regarding how I should dress. When we first met, I asked my husband about any potential restrictions at home to avoid conflicts, but during my recent visit, I was criticized for wearing an off-shoulder top and was told to change into more traditional attire. My husband defended me, but the pressure from my mother-in-law to conform to her standards continues to be a source of stress.

Moreover, many of the distant male relatives exhibit a lack of respect toward women. They communicate in condescending ways, often dismissing my opinions, as if I should only discuss household matters. One uncle gasped that managing finances must be difficult for me because I’m not a CA like he is. Another relative rudely ordered me to make tea in front of guests, and no one else found his manner unacceptable except my husband, who discreetly tried to help me.

There are a lot of such instances that happen almost everyday and sometimes multiple things in a day, and honestly it is driving me nuts.

This situation is incredibly frustrating. If my in-laws were to live with us, I fear it would feel suffocating, especially if they can’t accept my lifestyle and interactions. I want to enjoy my freedom to dress and act how I wish, without judgment.

What should I do moving forward? I feel incredibly irritated, and this strain has led to arguments with my husband. We love each other deeply, but I feel trapped in this environment. I want to address these concerns without creating tension during my short visits.