Lies, manipulation and heartbreak. What do I do? Do I expose him? I need to remain strong this time.
Hi everyone
I really need some advice as I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is starting to drain the life out of me.
This is a bit of a long one, so please bare with me:
ok so I (23F) started chatting to a someone (27M) in March 2020 (I knew him beforehand because he’s from my town) but we FaceTimed a lot and really enjoyed each others company and built a somewhat “online relationship”.
He had broken up with his gf around the same time because they “weren’t working” (later found out she had actually found out he was talking to me at the same time) ...As time went on we met up with each other, started dating etc it was great. But even at the time something did not sit right.
May/June 2020:
- after about 2 weeks of dating he went cold on me. Started saying he wasn’t sure what he wanted right now and stopped talking to me. I was heartbroken. -about 1 week later he called me up crying saying he made a mistake. I took him back.
June/July 2020:
I remember being at a bbq with some friends after this, and he asked me to put his phone in my bag and as I did there was a text from his ex on the Lock Screen. I was horrified as it all made sense, he was going back and forth. Keeping us both at the same time.
- after this night he called things off with me again (not sure WHY he did, it should of been me) But this time that was it. We didn’t speak for about 2 months, and I met someone else.
-around 2 months later he sends a massive bouquet of flowers to my house as “an apology” he reached out, but I turned him down.
Unfortunately I wasn’t surprised to learn that he had got back with his ex girlfriend (18F) after promising me the world. Hurt me a lot to see their seemingly perfect relationship after he messed me around but I got through it.
Now, from this point to December 2020 he popped in and out my life every so often trying to reach out (still with his girlfriend at the time) It would kill me. We have what I thought was an “amazing bond” and we had so many things in common but now I just feel like it is all some messed up game.
January 2021:
I started studying for university from home due to coronavirus. This was his best opportunity to finally get me back again. And he did. But he still had his girlfriend on the scene, promising me they were breaking up, I stupidly waited around. Things “ended” eventually between them end of January/beginning of February.
So now, I was convinced by him that this was “fate” and it was the right time for us. He made me think that this time round, he was all for me, no more games! We basically got together properly and it was the most “real” it ever felt. I loved it! But it was short lived:
- around 2 weeks after being with me. He went funny with me. Was off for no reason, barely replying.
- he called me and said “it was too soon and it was giving him anxiety incase we were seen together” again, I was so upset for being messed around.
- around a week later he worked his way back in with some words and empty promises, of course, I accepted it.
Fast forward to now (March 2021) we was fine. Up until he went cold with me, AGAIN. We had a disagreement because I asked if I could take his dog out whilst he was working. He said no because it was “too soon” and that I “needed to be low key for the time being” until some “time had passed” from him and his ex breaking up. Apparently, it would “cause so much drama” if she knew he was with me.
After our disagreement, because I wasn’t happy with being “low key” he went distant. Didn’t want to see me, rejected me. I was so upset because I was made to feel like it was my fault. He didn’t talk to me for days.
This week, he came clean to me as to why he went quiet on me:
- He admitted to being in contact with his ex again.
- he admitted they had been having sex behind my back.
- this is why he hadn’t spoke to me
Obviously I was upset but I wasn’t surprised either. He was crying his eyes out to me begging me to forgive him so we can “move forward with our lives together” - he even suggested about booking a holiday, said “he would do anything”.
When I asked him WHY he has done this and WHY he keeps reaching out to her/rekindling, he says “because it’s just an easier option” - in other words, she won’t question him as much. He can get away with more.
I have decided that I cannot go back to him after this. But I am finding it really hard. I feel disgusting that he was having sex with someone else behind my back, it has really knocked me for six.
But.. he has a way of keeping me roped in and it really scares me how easy he can do that. Last night after not hearing from him all day (after experience, he’s probably been with the OW) I decided to block him. I am going to try NC. I have blocked him on every form of social media and blocked his number too.
Does anyone have any advice? I am really struggling lately and every morning I wake up and feel like I can’t breathe from the anxiety. It’s affecting my relationship with my family because I am so snappy, I am distant with my friends and I am borderline failing university. Is going NC the best option? I feel like I am insane for actually wanting him to still contact me, when really I know I can’t go back to him now. What is that even about? I feel guilty and like I’m being horrible for blocking him.
My other question is: there’s a good chance I will see on social media that he is back with the same ex after this. Do I reach out to her? Is that a good idea? I know he is lying to her and I feel like she doesn’t deserve this either. Because she is quite young I feel like she is being taken for a fool more than I am. I want to reach out to her, but worried she will give me grief and I am worried he will too.