I’m about to break

Warning for mentions of self harm, if you can’t handle that please don’t read this. Your mental well being is important.

I hate my brain. I hate my brain so much. I have ADHD, autism, GAD, depression and of course, relevant to this sub, OCD. My OCD has been acting up again big-time, I’m still struggling in fucking community college after 4 years and I don’t know if I’ll ever graduate because of my broken brain. I work a part time job but given how things are in the US I don’t see myself being able to save for my future. All of this stress feeds into my OCD even more. I want to go back to my therapist but I don’t know how to explain things, some of these stress factors are out of my control and some of them are just my own damn fault because of my own stupidity. I don’t have any right to complain. I can’t die for the sake of my loved ones, I don’t want to traumatize them, but I really want to hurt myself severely.

I can’t go to a psych ward because then I’ll miss out on my job and being paid and I can’t afford to do that. I feel worthless, maybe I am worthless, I feel like there’s no point to anything. I can’t engage in my hobbies/passions, I get violently angry at myself when I try to draw or write because I feel so talentless and it makes me feel even worse. I don’t get joy from gaming either, I just feel empty. I feel like I won’t ever be happy again. Life and OCD are consuming me. I feel like I’m rotting inside.