9 months pregnant and certain I have cancer

I am 31 years old and 38 weeks pregnant with a little girl. I have severe health anxiety so this pregnancy has been hard as I have been absolutely convinced about like 20 different diseases. I’ve had this anxiety since I was a kid. But also health anxiety doesn’t make you immune to diseases.

I am convinced I have melanoma and likely an advanced stage. I started worrying about melanoma about 4.5 years ago. I went through an intense phase lasting 1.5 years with I took literally thousands of photos of my moles during that time, compared them, obsessed over them, etc. I never went to a doctor as I’m too scared. I have several moles on my body that meet this “ABCDE” criteria which especially freaked me out. But I took so many pictures of them over the course of 1.5 years and they didn’t change at all. One of these specific moles is on my under boob, below my nipple. It’s one of my bigger moles (1cm). It has an outline and isn’t a perfect circle. Kinda more like a hexagon. It has a part that’s kind of raised that’s the same colour as the rest of the mole and is a bit off centre. Looks like a fried egg. But didn’t change at all when I monitored it and my husband always said it looked fine.

A couple days ago I was obsessing over something else non-mole related on my skin and decided to look at that mole again (since it’s under my boob, I need to actively look for it). I noticed that the raised part became more raised and the rest of the mole also became slightly more raised. When comparing it to photos I took a few years ago, the boarders might have changed slightly (although hard to know for sure since it depends on how the photo is taken) and maybe developed a few teeny tiny black specks. It also looks like it may have changed shades from a medium brown to nipple coloured. My husband sees the mole more than I do and says he never noticed any obvious changes. But since I have spent so long obsessing over this mole in the past, I know what a change looks like.

My husband and mom are so done with my anxiety and say I’m fine. But what do they know.

I am SO scared I am literally paralyzed with fear. I can’t move. I can’t get out of bed. I got 3 hours of sleep last night. I took a bath for hours yesterday trying to calm down but all I did was hyperventilate the entire time, cry, and I literally pissed myself from the anxiety. Holy shit. And then was just pacing up and down the hallway at home saying “I can’t believe this is happening. Please just be a dream”.

I am due with my baby any day and am NOT excited to meet her. I just keep thinking how I won’t get to spend long with her and won’t get to watch her grow up.

And I know melanomas can be caught very early, but this won’t be the case here since I’ve had this mole for so long. And it’s quite raised, which means the melanoma has penetrated deep into the skin.

I made an appointment with a nurse practitioner for next week (my doctor is away for a couple weeks) who can then refer me to dermatology. But the whole process will be long. And I’m so scared she’s going to look at the mole and say “wow ya that is concerning” and make me spiral more (because it is weird looking imo)

the changes might have started before pregnancy, but I’m not 100% sure. My google history shows I googled “mole becoming more raised” and “mole turning from brown to red” but wasn’t sure if that was reference to another mole I was worried about at the time (which I irritated and caused the issue) or this mole. I do remember maybe briefly wondering about this mole back last June, before I got pregnant.

I am not even excited to meet my daughter. How do I get through the coming weeks or months waiting to be seen? I feel like I am literally going to die from the anxiety. I almost went to the hospital last night because I never had a meltdown so big.

I also just noticed there’s a couple of black dots on the outside of the mole… ahhhh