The only time I fell in love

I'm a 19F, when I was in 8th (in 2019)... I had a massive crush on a guy... I was the topper and and he was sixth or seventh in our class.. we had many things in common so we became friends quickly.... At that time in our class 'relationship' was if you like someone and he likes you back. I was smitten over him (I still am)...

So his friends told my friends that he likes me and eventually they told me... I was happy but thought it was some sort of joke because, I have always been self concious way too much,, about my weight, skin colour and all... So I was much insecure....

But then he told me he likes me,, like LIKES ME. Despite of my insecurities (which I considered imperfections) I was never my parents favourite child.. probably the 'too much' one. So I had the tendency to suck up the minimum affection anyone threw at me.

And he showed affection... I was on ninth cloud... Happy, that finally somebody cares to ask me how was my day or what I'm doing.. for one year and a few months more... In 2020, during lockdown (we didn't have personal phones) we weren't able to talk to each other but I was in LOVE. Everyone told me it was affection or infatuation but I fucking loved him.

So despite of the no communication, I knew in my heart, that nothing will change... After 6 or seven months, we went back to school,,, I saw him and as I walked to him to talk.... He walked past me as if I don't exist...

I was standing there, jaw dropped. I don't know what changed but I knew something changed.... For the next days,, I kept trying to talk to him but he kept avoiding and finally I gave up (not on my feelings tho).

After 10th boards... He went to another city and I moved to another school but in my hometown... On the result day, I saw him we had a passive kind of conversation but I couldn't bring myself to ask him what I did wrong.

Later several times I came across his mom and she always treated me better than she did when I was dating her son.

After 5 years.... I still don't know what I did wrong that he left without a word... And though I tried everything I still can't convince myself to move on... After he left, I stopped talking to everyone, going out or anything. At a point, my friends were worried that if I'm okay or not... I'm still not okay... Most of the nights I cry myself to sleep.

But I don't say this out loud. For my friends, it's: I don't like dating or anything but in reality I fucking miss him. I miss the friend I had, the person who would ask me how was my day or how I'm doing, what happened in my house or everything.

Everytime I win a debate, or a prize for my academic results or a music competition or anything,, I miss him. I miss Telling him, I miss him walking up to me the next day and telling me he was there in the audience...

I don't know if I want to move on or not.... I cling to his memories even the hurtful one,, because that gives me some sort of solace I can't explain. I started writing poetries and reading books. My friends often ask my why I always read books. I can't explain to them that, it's the only way to find peace and not to think about what I lost.

It's been 4 years I haven't talked to him or seen him (face to face). And he won't talk to me again because whatever I heard from his closest friends (who I know from childhood) ,, he had (or has) a huge amount of guilt for what he did and I don't know WHY. LIKE DUDE JUST TELL ME THE REASON AND FUCK OFF.

though I'm pretty sure I still won't be able to let him go. My friends arranged a few dates for me and I also had some minor crushes on a few guys but I was never ready to give that place to anyone. Like, whenever I talk to a guy for a few days and he starts some sort of liking me... I feel like I'm cheating on him.

I don't know what to do. My friends know, I moved on and I don't care. But I do. On my every birthday for the last five years, I waited hopelessly the whole to recieve atleast a message from him but it never came. And I'm not saying I want him back. I'll be happy for him anyways. I'll be happy when he'll find another girl.. it's just I can't let my feelings for him go... I just can't. My foolish heart still can't get along the fact that maybe I was just an infatuation for him.

I wrote so much already and I have so much more to write.. though I know very few will read it or won't read it at all.... I just needed to vent my feelings.

I don't know if I will ever experience LOVE ever. But I want to. I really want to stop sabotaging people but I just can't and it hurts....

(P.S: I started crying in the middle of writing this and my brother asked me if another book character of mine died 🙂)