17 yrs old w/ PMDD - BEGGING for advice!!

I am new to this subreddit and I’m not sure if I will find any help here (esp because I’m only 17) but I really need advice and from what I’ve experienced Reddit gives better advice than most doctors.

I am currently in a relationship of three years (which is crazy for 17 so I’m really grateful) with the most patient boy I’ve ever met. We started dating when we were both 14, and shortly after is when I got my PMDD diagnosis from my mom’s OBGYN. It used to not be that bad, but throughout the past few years it has gotten very ugly. My worst symptom is severe anger which can be triggered by nearly anything. Most of the time, it is directed towards my boyfriend. He tries to be patient with me, but it really bothers him and I don’t blame him a bit. I can barely live with myself anymore, so I don’t understand how he can live with me, and I really don’t blame him for being upset. Sometimes, I yell at him in front of other people and curse at him, usually over something that would normally bother me just a little bit, but during the PMDD week my reaction is just way over the top. After I come down from my “anger attacks”— as I’ve heard them be called— I always feel so much shame and I try to apologize and make up for it but I know it’s not enough.

Recently this has been bothering him a lot, and he has called my behavior borderline abusive and said that he doesn’t want to be around me at times because it’s too much. This sounds mean but I really do understand, I become obnoxious and a horrible person to be around. This is not the type of person I am— I am usually quiet, sweet, and loving— but it just seems like whatever chemical reactions happening in my brain cause me to do a complete 180° on my personality. I find that every month I am begging for my period to start just so I can go back to normal (within the hour of when my period starts, it’s like a light switches on in my head and I immediately feel better).

I have no idea what to do because I feel like I’ve tried everything and I can’t stand to keep treating him like this. I have tried three or four different medications, but they’ve all given me persistent suicidal thoughts as a side effect, and they were so bad that I’m scared to try meds anymore. I tried birth control a couple times, but it messed up my brain chemistry so bad that I had to break up with said boyfriend for a month because I was convinced that I no longer loved him. I have gone to a few therapists, but the only thing that has ever helped me was neurofeedback— EMDR, talk therapy, CBT, DBT, and other things of the like have all been essentially useless (I am neurodivergent, and this may be because I’ve never had a neurodivergent affirming therapist due to insurance reasons). But at this point I’m getting desperate, I’m looking for someone, maybe an older, fellow PMDD sufferer who has been through this, that can give me advice!! Please please please help me, I am so desperate and I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to love myself again and feel like I am someone worthy of loving.