Just want to vent. I miss the game.

I’ve been a swer on and off since I was 17 years old. I’ve done it all - from selling nudes, to webcamming, the days of Craigslist and backpage, stripping and even fetish work. Outside of just sex work, I’ve had every type of job you could possibly name. And there’s no job I feel more exploited and violated after than my office/white collar job.

Since I’m a dark skinned black femme, colorism in sex work always affected me but in the office they gaslight you about it. You’re there as their token and they say it proudly. They steal your ideas and don’t give you credit. They pay you only slightly better than the average job and expect you to grovel and beg over it.

I’ve been having a really hard time getting used to my new corporate job after many years of trying to get to this level. I’m finally here and feel like nothing actually is going to change. They still don’t think I’m good enough. At least in sex work people who saw my value paid for it. I had more freedom and I could speak my mind politically about what was right in the world without consequence. I went to sleep every night knowing I stood by my convictions.

I haven’t been able to do that with this stupid 9-5. I am not a square. I think I’m trying to mourn the fact that I really thought I could be one or fit in. I’m venting but I’m also asking for advice on what to do.

It’s really to the point that everyday I’m contemplating if I should even make the effort to commute, including today. I haven’t left my bed and I was supposed to catch my initial bus at 7:30, it’s almost 10:00 now. I feel no guilt about staying but need to figure out what to do. I was trying to stay until I found something else but it’s getting to the point where I literally want to walk out and find a trap lmao.

I know things are slow for everyone everywhere right now, so I’m curious about advice on how to approach this - but in all honesty it’s giving I do not care and I honestly don’t want to even tell them I’m going lmaoooo.

I want to be a hoe full time again, idk what I was fucking thinking trying to fit in with people who already made their minds up already