im fucking losing it

im 17m, homeschooled, & i live with my dad, my brother (17) & two sisters (17, 16). im very uneducated & stupid due to neglectful parenting & me just being an autistic dumbass who can’t understand shit. i almost never leave the house & i know literally nobody outside of my family & it drives me insane. seeing other people my age who have a shit ton of friends & have girlfriends/boyfriends hurts so much. also, ive been wanting to kill myself for a few years now. i finally told my dad about it a few months ago when it was just the two of us but i could barely get any words out cause i started crying like a fucking dumbass. and he forgot about it within a couple days. im tired of feeling like this & im tired of keeping it all to myself. a part of me wants to try telling my dad again but ive spent my whole relying on him & im almost 18 so i dont want to do that anymore. im so fucking scared. i feel very fucked up & very different from everyone around me & i hate it. i fucking hate myself & i wish i had never existed.