Help?

I’ve never been pregnant my whole life, I am 29 years old. I thought I couldn’t have kids because of many health issues and because it never happened, I was also told that it would be really hard for me to so I would need to seek treatment options if I ever wanted to have a family.

I am a baby Christian. Saved and Baptised almost 2 years ago. My husband and I were ok with not being able to have kids but as we have gotten older together we realized that if it was in Gods will to give us a child we would gladly accept. When I got pregnant two months ago I told my husband that I had prayed to God and said God I want a baby only if it comes from you and your will and if my husband wants to be a father, I don’t want to take that away from him. And my husband was in awe because he had said the same prayer to God about me. So when that test was positive we both cried and celebrated that God had blessed us with a miracle.

My baby died inside of me with no sign or symptoms on August 1st, I had to go through 6 hour labor to flush my baby down the toilet because no one explained what medication would do. I was so angry with God and guiltily in the middle of intense pain and contractions I cried out loud to my Husband asking him why God was doing this to me. I have asked God to forgive me, I repented for this because I know God is not cruel and I know as much in pain I was he was there with me too feeling it all.

My point is, I know grief is not a straight path, but I am struggling mentally with this, one day I’m okay I can get through and some days like today I’m really having a tough time praying, talking to God, not being fully able to see the point in my prayers because God doesn’t reply to me. I guess I am just looking for some encouragement or help from anyone that has gone through something tough but their relationship with God has only strengthened and how I can do the same.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read.