My medicated self is awful.

Tldr at the end.

So I got switched to Elvanse. I’ve been taking it for a month now. 20mg did absolutely nothing. In fact it made things worse. My ADHD symptoms were stronger and my self destructive dopamine seeking behavior was even more intense when medicated. I talked to my doctor and got bumped up to 30mg. I’ve been taking it for a week now. While I feel like it’s still too low, at least I feel something.

But the side effects are worse than with MPH, especially the psychological ones. If I’m not already studying when the effects kick in the day is over. I procrastinate way harder than when I’m unmedicated. I distract myself with video games and endless scrolling. I also binge eat even more than before. These are risks I’m willing to take but what’s really messing with me is how my personality has changed. I’m extremely irritable. Colder. I laugh way less. Especially with my family I blow up over the smallest things and regret it immediately. But in the moment I can’t control it. I just lash out. Every little thing annoys me. I also get antisocial, especially with people that are not immediate friends.

This is the exact opposite of how I am unmedicated. I still struggle, don’t get me wrong, but I think the positives outweigh the negatives. Normally I’m very social. I make people laugh effortlessly, I connect with others easily and I guess I would even say I’m kind of popular. I consider myself an empathetic person and always try to make others feel heard and validated. (Enough with the self glazing, ew)

And that’s my dilemma. I mourn the person I am without medication. But at the same time I need my meds to be academically successful. I have a huge exam in a few months and I can’t afford to go unmedicated. And it’s made me realize something. Maybe I’m not as human as I thought. Maybe I’m nothing more than an animal just responding to instincts and chemical signals. Perhaps I don’t have a mind of my own. Maybe I’m just a slave to the little neurotransmitters in my brain.

TL;DR Switched from Medikinet to Elvanse because of bad rebounds. 20mg Elvanse did nothing, now on 30mg and it’s helping a bit but the side effects suck. I procrastinate harder and binge eat more. My personality also changed a lot—I’m way more irritable, colder and laugh less. I miss the social, empathetic, funny version of myself but I need the meds to function academically.

Edit: Thank you all so fucking much, sometimes I lose myself and your comments gave me hope again 🥹

Edit 2: 25mg was a bit better but still didn't hit the sweet spot. Tried 40mg and WOW, that is DEFINITELY the right dose! Less irritable and I can sleep again???? Wtf therapeutic window is weird af