I’m ready to blow my life up 😭

I turn 40 this year.

I’m a SAHM to 4 kids, 15 and younger. (The youngest being 4)

My husband has a prestigious career that we sacrificed for years to get to. (Real sacrifice. Living off student loans, scraping by, govt assisted housing… the works. He was gone ALL the time and I was at home with our first two who were very young. Also lived no where near family. I was occasionally suicidal during this time but really, no one knew.)

He’s finally making good money. We have the house. Our kids are excelling at their activities. I’ve finally lost the baby weight. (Through medication.) I spend my whole days shuttling kids around to and from activities. I have zero hobbies/interests of my own. The things that I do for myself are hair appts and pedicures. And really, no hobbies/interests even sound appealing to me. Depression has fully set in. When not shuttling kids around, I doom scroll. Or sleep if they’re all gone.

Our friends are couple friends… we do date nights every couple weeks. And I text with one of the wives occasionally.

I’m so bored, depressed, lethargic, and just… blah. I used to hear about moms who up and left everything and thought about how selfish and terrible they are. And I would NEVER do that, but I get it.

Basically just shouting into the void here. I’m depressed. Lethargic. Bored. Spend my days cleaning toilets, shuttling kids around, and doom scrolling. I have no will to change my life around, but I know I should. But I think that… then I sit back down on the couch and get back on my phone. Literally nothing brings me joy. Eff this.

(Also, been diagnosed with recurrent major depressive disorder. Have done meds and therapy. I haven’t found meds that really help, honestly, and I’ve tried for about 20 years. Also done ketamine. And every therapist I’ve had- I just leave feeling worse. I don’t think talk therapy is for me.)

ETA I want to acknowledge that I completely understand how privileged I am to even have these issues. I 100% know that. I know that there are SO many people who have much more devastating problems than I do. My heart really truly does hurt for those.