WTF is happening? Mid S2

I am so confused by this show honestly; it is so cruel and so disgusting. I understand that thats the premise and their situation is dire.. but after all the outrageously disgusting and fucked up things they did, why would they even want to survive? Who would want to live with that? Javi dying is where I felt so sick I didn’t even want to watch anymore. They let a child drown so they could satisfy some spiritual being they each experienced as a shared delusion… just to eat him? how do you live with that? No, how do you still WANT to live at all? Even Van says after letting Javi die that she isn’t ashamed, and thats she is glad she is alive. Please! for what? she ends up pretty miserable so far.