I reached my limit

Since i was a kid ,She'd project her emotions ,insecurities, failures and fears onto me unprovoked and was very abusive (verbal, emotional and physical ) it got so bad our landlady asked her why she's always beating us ,she told her that's how she parents and turned her Into an enemy ,told us not to play with her kids

When visitors, relatives or other siblings were around or were in public she'd be on her best behavior ,she was never violent and they know her as a nice and hardworking woman

Any form of self expression or emotions except happiness were forbidden while living with her and I preferred living with my dad(he's got his flaws too but is composed) which she never wanted

She never respected my boundaries and privacy , she one time without my permission went into my room to "clean" then moved all my stuff I basically had to ask her "where'd you put this?,"where'd you put that?" , threw away something I loved then denied knowing it and said "if I knew you were going to be like this ,I wouldn't have cleaned it " ,read my journal then told me unprovoked ,when I tried bringing it up later she denied and told me to stop fixing words in her mouth but minutes later admitted to my cousin she infact read it and lied about what she read

Every time I tried bringing up how her behavior affected me growing up she'd mock me,play victim,deny ,get defensive and have rage fits then tell me why im I living In the past,grow up,"why are you always blaming me for everything","i was just parenting you and will not apologize despite me never asking or expecting one ", I'm so disrespectful and after her suffering with me ,sacrificing her life for me , feeding me,didn't dump me as a baby as many people do ,clothed and housed me,took me to the hospital when i was sick, this is how I repay her?

I told her countless times that's what a parent is supposed to do & thats the bare minimum . I do appreciate that but I never asked her to give birth to me then hold it over my head

Like you expect your kids to kiss your ass cause you decided to have unprotected sex ? Huh

She then went on to say she was only parenting me and then tried to convince it's normal ,every parent treats their child like that .I tried having conversations with her soooooo many times but EVERY time she managed to always make it about herself .I felt like I was talking to a wall, it was so draining I stopped but she'd still come onto me and start shit unprovoked

Everytime I've tried to be my own person ,it visibly upset her .She always said when I get older I'll see how bad I treated her but it'll be too late and I'll be crying when she dies on her grave and beg for forgiveness ,always "when I die ,when I die " bruh

She also always tried to tell me the "nobody will love you like I do" bs ,"you only get one mother "

She always wished me to experience misery unless I seek her "forgiveness " meanwhile an apology or addresing her faults have never left her mouth

She also views eye contact as disrespect and defiance lol

After her blowouts and rage fits she'd sweep everything under the rug and act like nothing happened and if I didn't do the same and be "happy" then im disrespectful and don't want to be taught

She never wanted me to have friends since I was a kid ,apparently they'd turn me bad .

One time i was 7 ,i was at my friends home and when i went back home ,she was back from work .she got so pissed she beat me then told me to pack my stuff and leave her home .I remember i was crying my body was swollen and painful ,i was scared, neighbors were watching, she was laughing with them .It was dark and when I had gone far she then told me to come back and then acted like nothing happened

I have soooooooo many memories of her doing and telling me hateful shit as back as 3 years. she'd get so mad whenever she found me playing with other kids be it at school or home or any other setting ,she always wanted me quiet and just sitting there doing nothing ,people always told her im so disciplined and she liked it ,meanwhile i suppressed everything within me when i was with her,elsewhere I was nyself and loved it

Each time I introduced my friends she'd act nice to them then give me shit for years about how I have very bad friends and tried to isolate me ,always wanted me to be home .She'd only talk well about those whose parents status she knew ,those are the only ones she talked about for years even after we weren't friends anymore .Others were bad and were "making" me bad

She had an obsession with my finances when my dad stopped sending my cash to her she'd always want to know how much I had ,in my 20s ,one day she straight up had a fit that I had to show her how much I had in my account and when I refused she went on for years saying I'm so bad with my money despite her knowing nothing about my finances .

One time I was 22 she convinced me to let her keep my money( which never happened after my dad stopped giving her my money) and when I did and randomly went to check it up part of it was missing and when I asked her she denied and quickly changed the topic .Later I went back to check ,it was all there

I remember the first time I told to people about what she was doing to me ,they'd say but she's so proud of you ,she speaks so well of you ,meanwhile behind closed doors she'd constantly tell me how I'm a failure and my life is ruined ,I'm embarrassing her ,what will her friends think

She always made it clear since I was a kid that she'd had a good life if it wasn't for me ,she's always told me how she wishes she never gave birth to me and im just stress in her life ,she's spent so much money on me and if she didn't she'd be living a life of "luxury" . I've always known she never liked me since I was like 7 and everytime I told her she denied and made it seem like I was overreacting

Yet I've always seen resentment and hate in her eyes and behavior,she never let me forget and always acted like I was such a burden and only showed "love" to me when I was being her nice shiny trophy she could brag about to her people and strangers ,she'd even exaggerate my achievements infront of me .She was only "nice " If I did what she wanted, catered to her needs and sought her approval before I did anything but even when I did "good " it was never enough for her ,she'd still complain about everything

She tried to triangulate me and my little brother every chance she got and went as far as lying.One time i was talking about something she's obviously lying about her whole life and I made a comment about my brother ,it wasn't ill mannered or rude ,it was relevant to the conversation, she then brought my brother and tried insinuating i hate him ,it didnt even make sense ,she deflected the entire conversation by using him

She's always practiced favoritism since I was little and everytime I pointed it out she denied yet my little brother has always known and we've talked about it (it's not his fault) ,another time i brought it up she told me he's just different

She'd start her rage fits then say I attacked her and flip everything onto me and guess who they'd believe ?

It's always everyones fault but hers

Whenever she was on the phone talking shit about me she'd always make me look like I'm the aggressor yet she started all the shit and never dared to say , when I told her I knew she was gossiping about me she went on to say "well I didnt talk about you this week "

She acts like its my responsibility to fix the relationship since she's always such a victim and would always tell relatives and my dad how I'm so bad then lie, twist things I've said and then they'd call me saying "she's your mom " ,"she suffered for you " "she loves you ", "pray she changes ","she's just parenting you " ,"we were all beaten even worse yet we turned out great ." DID YOU ?, "you should be friends with your mom" .I realized most knew about her behavior, just didn't give a shit

She'd also use the Bible to justify her abuse (that one verse about spoiling the rod ) but acted oblivious to the other one that talks about provoking kids

She's been my biggest bully that doesn't have that same energy to stand up to people her age but always has it for those she considers weaker and younger especially girls ,my girl cousins included then wonders why they don't talk to them

When i was younger i always received the end of the stick if she was having a bad day .She'd start up random shit ,push it then make sure it led to her being quarrelsome and eventually violent and when I told her she deflected ,another time she flat out told me I deserved it and maybe she was stressed , that you have to be negative to a child

Any disagreement or conversation I had with her was viewed as disrespect and talking back she'd say I don't want to listen to her advice ,elders know best ,she's just teaching me but I dont want to listen ,I'll see what it's like ,I should know my boundaries and my place ,I'm so bad ,She threatened to kill me many times over disagreements

One time,I suggested she went for therapy cause her behavior reeks of trauma(big mistake ) she mocked me ,called me disrespectful then accused me of saying she has a psychiatric problem. Now she tells everyone I said she's mad and not developed mentally

She's accused me of things I've never said and everytime I asked her to explain when and how ,her story always changed or she deflected

She's said so much vile and nasty shit to me especially when we're alone then deflects and acts humble,sweet when people are around

She's a micromanager and control freak ,very authoritarian

When I was a teen she started claiming I had changed and she became sooo fucking violent and would say"you were so good as a child ,what happened " yet she treated me like shit even as a child, she started saying this when I started being vocal about her behavior. Meanwhile another time she told me I've always been a bad child

She also never wanted me to tell anyone about what's going on and would always tell me to be private about my life yet she was openly gossiping about me and when I started telling my relatives and dad ,whenever she had rage fits she'd get to them first and flip everything onto me so when I went to tell them, I was already labeled bad

She's made weird , jealous comments about my body and has always wanted me to maintain it to her liking as an adult and the way I live ,people i interact with since it contradicts the fantasy she has of me

She's always insulted,humiliated(both public and private) belittled and berated me since i was a kid till i was 23 almost everyday for the smallest mistakes and held them over my head for years.At 11 - 12 she'd complain and berate me everyday,that why cant I do things like her and I'm so lazy cause I couldn't wash or clean,cook the same way she did or move at her pace.I was literally 11 how tf I'm I supposed to have the strength of a 30 year old tf

After her doings she feigns ignorance and when I was younger I fell for it until I realized she knows exactly what she's doing .she's an adult

She'd also send me those weird facebook posts "about respect your mother " ," you only get one " "listen to her " ," a good child this ,a good child that ...." after her rage fits

On the phone ,She'd say i just want an easy life(yes ,and ?) & im not the person she raised (biggest compliment ever) ,she'd always ask me why can't I be like her despite me telling her numerous times I'm not her and can't be like her cause we're different people

I've never felt comfortable going to her for emotional support cause each time I tried, I was always met with desctructive criticism,dismissal, judgment, negativity

She'd always compare me with my siblings , strangers as long as I can remember unprovoked

The ENDLESS accusations, I came to realize were just projections of what she was doing or has done and how she was feeling about herself underneath

There's times i wanted to share personal stuff with her but i couldnt , I told her this sometime and the next time she turned around and said the exact thing to me

She's always about "what will other people say?" ,"people talk" especially with her kids ,they're trophies meant to make her look good ,validate and live for her .Her Facebook was very busy with our pictures and exaggerated achievements ,the " one big happy family" facade and when I asked her to take down my pictures she got offended

I won't go into details of her physical abuse but it went on until the week before i left for good

When I started pointing out her behavior and she realized she couldn't abuse me as she pleased ,she started baiting and provoking me ,And whenever I ignored her and didnt entertain her especially when it was just two of us she'd provoke me ,get very loud and aggressive,say nasty shit ,quarrel for soooooo long,follow me around and hover over me,push me ,try to intimidate me until she got a reaction from me then go into victim mode "I'm just trying to teach you but you don't want to listen" ," I just want the best for you "

One time over a disagreement she started she hit me ,I had a panic attack then she stood there looking at me and told me to get up and stop pretending and of course she acted like nothing happened and when i wanted to talk about it later she said she doesnt want to since she left it in the past and i made her heart bleed verbatim

She'd claim to be such an adult and mature then proceed to lose her shit in seconds because i had a different opinion or someone dropped or spilled something ,my room wasn't according to her liking (i had to stop letting her into my room cause she was ALWAYS complaining about something) or I was sleeping (she fucking hated me sleeping since i was little).

She had the nerve to tell me I'm not affectionate to her like my little brother .I'm sorry every time I tried to get close to her she'd loose her shit over something minor, so negative,get judgemental & critical ,"why are you laughing like that ?".So I knew to keep my distance .Nobody wants to hang around a ticking time bomb

I brought it up sometime and she said that's how she is and I should get used to her cause it's how she speaks

She'd always dangle her inheritance over my head during her blow outs since I was 20 & say she won't give me anything cause I'm so disrespectful like im fucking interested in any of it .I am more than capable of having my own shit

Last interactions we had ,she'd tell me to pack all my things ,leave her home and never return,said she now only has one child ,that I should never talk to her ,call or attend her burial when she dies (not the first time she's told me ) and then on the last day I was leaving she asked me why I didn't inform her

She then sat me down to "talk" to me then proceeded to try and guilt trip me ,tell me i dont want to listen to her yet she only wants the best for me ,victimize as usual and that i should change lol. I kept the "talk" short and left

She treated me horribly as a kid and worse when I became a teenager (i was shy and quiet ,"disciplined " but i was still bad in her eyes) and suddenly when I got older and started pointing out what she did, she started pretending to be nice and started trying to act like my childhood never happened

I've never internalized what she's said and done but as a kid i always wondered why she was like this cause I didn't experience this elsewhere and when i got older i realized thats a reflection of her own character and it has nothing to do with me

I spent part of my childhood with her ,some in boarding school and some holidays I spent at my dad's ,I split early adulthood between them but boy was it hell whenever I was living at on short holidays and I realized I never put much thought on it but after living for 2 years with her ,I can't do this shit anymore more .it's not healthy

When I was a little girl ,I looked up to her sooooo much and I appreciate all the parent stuff she did for me,she has some admirable qualities but unfortunately her not so good ones dominate .I've tried understanding where she's coming from but ive had enough ,my time with her is done

Im so grateful for the other mother figure i had as a kid that filled that gap ,other adult figures ,friends & their families ,this helped me question the oddities

That's my experience and it's just the tip of the iceberg