I just completely finished AOT and I think I need therapy

I know this anime has been out for a while, but this is a warning that my post will contain spoilers.

When this anime first came out, a friend of mine suggested it. I watched it and got hooked, but I didn’t get very far due to the agony of waiting for more episodes to come out. I went on to read the manga and it really blew my mind. I remember loving it so much and trying to tell anyone who’d listen about it. I also explicitly remember telling my brother that if there’s any anime/manga I could experience for the first time again, it would be AOT.

Well, a few years passed and I never really thought about it again, and then a couple weeks ago my brother asked me if I wanted to watch it. My memory of the manga has been pretty foggy and I’m blessed that it’s been foggy enough where I could somewhat experience it for the first time again.. and as for the anime it technically was my first time, save a few episodes.

The last 3-4 episodes of the series had me in constant tears. We finished the series a few hours ago and I’m still laying in bed crying my eyes out. I have this overwhelming feeling of mourning. I started losing it before Hange’s death even came. I have this deeply rooted ache for how things were for the gang pre-basement. Honestly… I could live in peace if they continued their lives in ignorance. I know living a life in fear of titans wasn’t the best but it sure beat how things turned out.. I just keep thinking about how determined everyone was to bring an end to the titan invasion, how everyone was close friends and had a good head on their shoulders.. and everyone’s potential.. Mikasa and Eren’s love story potential… if Marley would have just left the Eldians alone then the rumbling wouldn’t have had to take place… like did they really think the king was bluffing?? I know all of this is hypothetical pathetic hope because I know in the end this was set in stone and nothing could change it and it was all basically Eren’s doing but I can’t help but ponder on the what ifs and what if nots.

Then Hange’s death came and she reunited with all the other important characters who died and I let out the ugliest wail I’ve ever heard. I knew them wondering if the death troops were watching over them was some kind of foreshadowing but for that to take place not long after was such a punch in the gut. It wasn’t necessarily sad but it was like I was given the hope that all would be okay for a split second before getting dragged back to reality. God I miss every single character who died, honestly.

Then everyone’s parents being on that mountaintop while the scouts desperately tried to stop the rumbling was so painful because I had this gut feeling that the parents would never be reunited with their children again, another cruel thing I wouldn’t dare to hope away.. but then my heart was warmed because the kids DID reunite with their parents… just for my heart to drop to my stomach when they were all turned into titans… and then finally having them turn back for good once Eren was dead. It was such a wild rollercoaster and I didn’t dare have hope that anything good would come out of this ending.

And then obviously Mikasa killing Eren and being so heartbroken about it.. but somehow being able to have that romantic relationship with him in that split moment.

There is so much more to talk about when it comes to AOT, this barely covers it. All the plot twists were amazing and while the ending is not what I wanted, it was a damn good one for the way it made me feel. I feel so awful and depressed and sad and worrisome and mournful towards this show and all its characters and it would be horrible writing if it didn’t make me feel all of these emotions.. so anyways. I’m always on Reddit reading about my shows and such and I just needed somewhere to vent about how this one made me feel.

Thanks to the universe and the founder Ymir for giving allowing to experience this masterpiece as if it were my first time.