Need to get this off my chest

Baby boy is 9 weeks old today. And I’m no better at this than when he was first born. He cries and screams and cries and screams. In his sleep, when he’s awake. He cries and screams.

I’ve cut out dairy, soy, eggs, oats, legumes – changed all my medications, changed his. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on specialists: Free to Feed, Fed Well Baby, 2 occupational therapists, 3 IBCLCs, 2 dieticians, 1 pediatric gastroenterologist, and our regular pediatrician. He doesn’t have a tongue or lip tie. I tried pumping exclusively and doing bottles instead – same results, he screams and screams. I’ve done block feeding and ice/advil to manage my oversupply and fast letdown. I’ve tried different BF positions. We've done famotidine and omeprazole, keep him upright for a long time after feeds, do bicycle kicks and tummy massages, burp often -- baby boy is still so miserable.

We never play or do tummy time because I’m always just trying to soothe him, because he’s always screaming. I feel like no one can help us and because he’s gaining weight well, no one is that concerned. What if he falls behind because I'm never playing with him or doing tummy time?

Sometimes I can baby wear but lately it’s been killing my back. I am not eating enough, drinking enough water, or sleeping enough. At my 6 week PP check up I was told I’ve lost 28% of my body weight from delivery/birth, and I am underweight from when I first got pregnant. I haven’t showered in close to a week. All I do is try to soothe baby boy and get him to sleep.

I do it alone because my husband is back at the office and when he’s home he takes care of our high-needs dog, who I can’t take care of because of the demands of the baby. I do nights alone so that my husband can be well rested for work. My mom lives an hour away, my sisters live far away and have their own kids to care for. I don’t have local friends who can help, my friends are scattered around the state and across the country. We can’t afford a PP doula (I brought this up to my husband after I spoke with one and he’s concerned about the price, so we decided to pass).

I’m on Zoloft, I have a therapist. But I feel so incredibly, utterly, alone. My baby is 9 weeks. Why am I not better at this yet?? Why haven’t I figured out how to take care of him and me yet?

And I’m supposed to go back to work in 3 weeks – how on earth am I supposed to balance my chronically inconsolable son with work?

He deserves a better mom, one who could figure this out. He deserves a mom who could figure out what the food trigger is, who could figure out a pump/feed schedule, who could master the right BF position, who can wake up before him and get herself into the shower and put herself together to be there for him. He deserves so much better than me. I feel like such a failure. I’m so ashamed. I’m so alone.