Being fetishised in relationships with other Black people

Hi all,

I was in a relationship for 3 years that I had to end in October of last year and I’ve been thinking about this since.

My ex was narcissistic and abusive but one of the main ways he abused me was through anti-Blackness. He would pedestalise white women, pointing out how attracted he was to them, how much more “innocent” they are (ew), rarely spoke any words about Black women after the first 6 months of dating and if he did it was to disregard or even degrade us etc, etc.

I’ve been going back through the beginning of our relationship and noticing some red flags but they’re not necessarily concrete red flags. He was definitely a “grand risings my queen” type of man and he would talk incessantly about how he wanted a Black wife and a Black family. Once I said I didn’t want kids he started to get more and more careless and horrible in his treatment of me.

We’re both Jamaican and I’m also Nigerian and I’m proud of my heritage but sometimes it felt like my ethnicity and my race were the only things he really cared about.

He had a lot of self hatred around his own Blackness and I think being with me was a way to skirt around and avoid addressing that self hatred and what it said about him and the work he still had to do (but didn’t want to do).

I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in a relationship with another Black person where they’ve been fetishised and what other red flags or signs I should look out for.