Transcript of the horrific twitter thread from the Bumble guy.

Hey, Kelsey. How's it going? Don't mind me. I fucking hate texting. I think we're all better without it. So I usually use one of these when I can. Also, I don't know if you've ever seen a Key and Peele skit, but that's how I feel about texting. I could go on. Anyway, I just want you to know right off the bat, I fully accept how fucking weird this is.

I'm sorry, but like I said, I think if you give me a second, you'll probably end up laughing. And not that you need my permission. But feel free to just laugh directly at me for being a fucking idiot. For I am surely about to embarrass myself right now. I would also make the argument that embarrassing myself on a microphone is a large part of my job and I'm quite good at it.

So here goes nothing. And sorry for the delay. I was going to get back to you, and I just. Someone called about a gig tomorrow, and I'm trying to help them find a musician. Also, I'm not sure if I'm fucking funny anymore. I just spent 60 minutes, like I said, playing guitar and singing to a roomful of senior citizens. It was stuffy and hot. I had to do it with a surgical mask on and I'm not sure if I have any funny or social energy left, but I am going to try. I'm going to try and figure right now. So thank you for your understanding and patience. And here goes nothing. I'm a fucking idiot. Enjoy.

So I was minding my own business last week on Yield. Bumble, Everyone's favorite online dating app punched me in the fucking face. Don't get me started online dating. And I came across your bio and I let out a very masculine noise. I mean, it was not said a word. I don't know. It's kind of damn having money, but it was not.

I honestly, I was like, this chick's made up. My first thought was that my mom paid you to write that bio just to make my day better. And I was curious just to, like, ask you how much, but the more I read, I was like, Holy fuck, this person's money kind of weird. And I just figured I'd say howdy and that if I talk to myself like an asshole for a couple of minutes, you'd probably feel the same as me.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to know the depths of your soul from a couple cursory sentences and some photos, but I am a very good judge of character. I'm a keen study of, like, personality and psychology and, you know.

A couple of years ago. I definitely not identified the kind of person, and there's nothing else in me to be better off your friends. So hear me out in person. I never fucking see that shrug emoji. No one else uses it. It's typed into my phone. If I if I take some with two G's, it just shows up.

Same thing on my laptop. Like we use it in work emails fucking. So. Right away, I'm like, interesting. I don't get it though. She's cute. How pretty she is. She should be boring. Why does she seem kind of strange in a good way? I think you said something about my music. My job is actually like music. I play guitar and sing.=

I do 25 shows a month. I know it sounds made up. I feel like I invented the job. It's ridiculous, but very comfortably life is good. I do play in a lot of retirement homes and it's great for my self-esteem. As maybe begin with women over 88 my ass grabbed by some in the last week. And for a second I was pissed and living in mine and I was like, Honestly, I've been working on that.

So thank you. I'm thinking of it. Yes, it's just good. Just the night before I've been talking to my best friends in the world, Roxy, and just people that, like, match you, and they just write pain so summery tangerine on it and have some of my stuff. I go, nothing much. You and like, people have not even read my fucking mind until March and you're like, So what do you do for a living?

Like, come on, Chelsea, again, you're kind of cute, but I'm pretty damn sweet. Try harder. I don't know. Just to see someone mention that to my own. Like, Thank you. I can see you've been the same as me. You know, people. I always think that effort should match interest in dating. So if you're curious if someone's interested or not know me, that's just a dating, is it?

He's just not dating you. And he's like, if the guy's interested, he will come. And it's true. That's what I found a couple years ago. It's like ever any match. Interesting. Showing my interest in someone is and like, I'm pretty goddamn sweet and I am not that lonely, horny. I'm not going to take breadcrumbs from someone If I want to see someone that's been there.

I even like yourself. I wasn't even just working like last summer comes on. But yeah, no, your bio is just there's so much intentional effort put in and honestly, more skill than we'll pick something this time. So I don't want to sound like an asshole, like attractive people who can also be interesting and funny. But it's, it's just incredibly rare.

I speak speak for myself because I'd like to consider myself a feminist.

For the love of Fuck. I was like 2 minutes into one and it was awesome and funny and I was so proud of it. And then someone called me again about a gig this evening and it's like, you know that thing where your friends know you're busy or you're on a date or something, and then that's when they decide to call.

Jesus Christ. Well, we'll take it as a good sign. So I don't know from repeating myself, but yeah, no, your bios is the fucking bee's knees. I mean, listen, top three in like the hundreds or thousands I've seen, it was just. I don't know. I'm a very good judge of character, and you just seem like my kind of person.

And I'm not saying we're star crossed lovers. I don't know you and you don't know me, but generally the bios hurt my brain and make me think that maybe I should just try the other sex or not talk to people anymore. And yeah, it was it was ridiculous. I honestly wouldn't even swipe on someone that lived in Branford, but I meant what I said.

Like, I think the world would be a better place if you and I were friends. If nothing else. So I fully accept how strange and unconventional this is. I just. I got a vibe and I figured I got to go with it. I was like, in a really good mood that day. I don't know. I'm totally winging it.

But yeah, a lot of my close friends are women and everyone unfortunately has a couple stories of having to block someone's number or an ex just won't leave them alone or going to the cops. Fuck dude, I've had to block a few numbers of crazy people that didn't know they were crazy, so I really, really apologize sincerely if this in any way like triggered that or it was weird or whatever.

Kelsey That's the furthest thing from my intention. I just wanted to say howdy, and I figured if I talk like an idiot, you'd probably feel like I did after I look at your bio. So, yeah, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. Now. What? I want to know if I was Kelsey. Oh, okay. It's not fair. You've seen mine or Sorry, I've seen yours and you have not seen mine.

If you want, I will screenshot my bumble bio. I'm quite proud of it. I think it's pretty fucking good. It represents me well. And what else would I want to know if I was you? G Unlike six feet tall, pretty damn handsome. I'd give me like, a seven. No, like a seven and a half out of ten. Looks wise.

I mean, to my knowledge, no one has dated me for my abs or my hair. I'm guessing it's because I'm funny and honest and clearly very humble and go to therapy. An emotionally intelligent.

And yeah, for the 80th time, I apologize if this was weird or like, gave you any bad vibes. That's not my intention. Yeah, I'm going to drive home now because I got to go sing at a bar in Mississauga and I have four more gigs this weekend and it hurts to talk. So I'm sitting here in my car like a jackass.

And yeah, I hope that all made some kind of sense. And if nothing else, please take the sincere compliment. I've seen hundreds of shitty videos, probably thousands, and yours was easily top three. The only reason I'm not giving you number one is because then it would seem like I'm lying. But I'm a very genuine, honest person. And yeah, actually, on my way home I'm going to go to the park and feed the ducks.

My favorite swan couple, Mr. Plymouth and Mr. and Mrs. Mumford. They just had babies a couple of weeks ago. So like, I'll run up and they recognize me and the babies are squeaking the hierarchy of like waterfowl on cue babies ago swan babies than ducklings and then goslings. But yes, I may or may not do that 4 to 7 times a week.

I'm a huge animal lover. Dogs are better than cats. Cats suck. Sorry if you have cats, but I'm sure your cat is cool and yeah, take the compliment. Anyway, apologies of this total like intrude on your day opposite of my intention. And yet your bio was fucking awesome. I mean, there's a couple other assets I noticed too, but I cannot mention them without sounding like a fuck voice.

I'm just going to leave it alone. I'm sure you've worked very hard to be in the shape you're in, but God damn, lady, God damn, I would not kick you out of bed for eating crackers. So I figured if you are half as funny as you seem to be and half as cool as I got from that bio, I would say howdy.

Yeah. All right. Oh, this made you laugh and smile, and you have a fantastic all day. Kelsey. Cheers.