I seriously thought about suicide for the first time today

Since my older brother (M18 at the time) committed suicide in 2017, I’ve (M18) been pretty sad, but I’ve never gone to therapy, nor have I ever talked about my feelings to anyone around me, and I haven’t cried since 2018.

Sometime midway through 2023 I cut myself on my thighs, really big cuts stretching from one side to the other. But that’s it, I’ve never truly thought about suicide because I saw how my brother’s affected my entire family. It has always come up in the back of my head but I’ve never really felt inclined to commit suicide.

However, today was my first day back at high school after winter break, and my mom was very disappointed in my grades (A’s, B’s, and two C’s/2.9 overall GPA in America). I took a long, hard stare at my grades as she was yelling at me, and I had a moment where I really thought about how suicide would legitimately solve every single problem I have.

It’s just one moment in time where all my grades, homework, sadness, and stress would evaporate indefinitely. I wouldn’t have to worry about the next big project, I wouldn’t have to work until I’m 65(ish), I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. It sounds so peaceful. Now it’s kind of all I can think about: all the problems that would just go away.

Does anyone have any advice on whether how to get rid of these thoughts? My mature sub-conscious is saying “just give yourself more time to fix things,” “you can do so much more, it’s not worth it,” etc. but every other part of me wants to just let go of it all.