Endo reminds me of cancer treatment

Okay getting some thoughts out here... I posted yesterday about wanting to hear positive/neutral experiences with hormonal birth control because I'm scared of starting it (scared of gaining weight, when I've already been trying so hard to successfully lose 10 pounds, mood changes, depression, especially because I already get soooo depressed/self-harm feelings on my period as is).

I freaked out all last night and was sobbing uncontrollably. I had to call my mom crying because I was so scared and couldn't bring myself to take the first pill. I thought I had decided to just not even try birth control, because I was too afraid of what could happen.

It's all been way more emotionally triggering for me than I expected and I realized today why that is. I had cancer a few years ago, and ever since I've had quite a bit of medical anxiety. I remember being terrified of having surgeries, treatments, what they could do to my body long term, and especially weight changes. I think I could have been diagnosed with an eating disorder at one point, I was limiting myself to about 800 calories a day. As a 19 year old with cancer, I really feel like the people around me let me down and made me feel alone and crazy for being as scared as I was, and I realized today that that is exactly how I've been feeling about my endometriosis.

Like with cancer, there's no "good" treatment. All the options are bad, including choosing to not do anything about it because I'm too afraid to try anything. But I had to go through cancer treatment, because to not do so would mean to accept dying. My endometriosis is already quite severe, and like cancer, it won't go away on its own, and will only continue to grow and cause more problems, and potentially death. It's creeping into my day to day life a bit more each day. I used to only get cramps the week of my period, now it's throughout the month, almost everyday, I'm starting to feel pain when I use the bathroom, and I've been avoiding sex for years because it hurts. So I know it's progressing.

So I've chosen to reframe this in my mind by comparing it to cancer treatment. All the treatment options are bad, there's no guarantee of anything successfully eradicating all disease, and it's very likely I'll be dealing with a long list of side effects from birth control and or surgery one day. And that's a terrifying reality to face that I wasn't ready to accept yesterday. I still feel compelled to shut down and refuse to even consider birth control and surgery because I'm so scared, but it helps me to know that I've been this scared before.

I've decided I'm going to try to get through just one month at a time. I'm lucky because I have a great obgyn who I know I can trust, so if I need to tell her at any point that the birth control isn't working for me, I know she'll listen.

I'm still feeling a little fragile though so wish me luck lol

Edit: I know endometriosis doesn't "kill" people. What I meant was that in rare cases, it can become so widespread that it affects how the organs work, and people can die from complications relating to that. I would argue that lots of people die similarly from being in cancer treatment (ex. your immune system can be destroyed by chemo, you get an infection, you die from the infection). I also know birth control isn't "bad," I'm just concerned about some side effects that seem to be pretty common in people who take it, and I think I have a right to feel anxious, especially when it's so reminiscent of how I felt when I had cancer.

Just wanted to say that because I don't really care to have any comments "correcting" me. I don't know if the tone is meant to be dismissive or rude, but I just wanted to set that boundary. I'm not misinformed, I'm just trying to work through a lot of emotional difficulty and medical trauma, and am asking for a safe space to do that. That's what this post is about.

Also eternally grateful for the kind words from most commenters here :)