I can't.

I'm sitting at the toilet atm, and I'm not sorry. As I know many of you unfortunately know this feeling to well. I am SICK AND TIRED of this disease, this Karen of a f-ing sickness. I am tired. I am in pain 24/7 no matter what. Its not enough it has taken away my femininity, my self confidence, my strength, my happiness, it has taken a big toll on everything in my life. It just affects everything. I can't work, that's how much pain I feel daily. I'm helpless because I asked, begged doctors to give me a solution. "Doctor please, take out my organs, everything. Uterus, ovaries, I took out already my left fallopian tube and appendix, I don't care." Their answer crushed me. "Even if we do take it all out... There is no guarantee it won't latch onto another organs. And you will be permanently on hormones, so it will create another opportunity for endo to spread somewhere else." WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY deep infiltrated endo. Why. Not only that I have low cortisol levels so I'm on corticosteroids so I can't take ibuprofen or anything. ANYTHING. I just can lay helplessly and cry. And beg for God to stop my pain. I have a child. If only you could all see her. She is 3,5. She is my living breathing heart on two legs walking outside my chest. Imagine all of my pain when she asks whenever we go out of our house "Mommy, doctors again?". I am broken for her. I am broken for me. No I am not grateful for this. I did not become a better person. I literally vanished, the person I was. I can't wear anything since I am anorexic. It took them 4 years to agree to surgery (diagnostic laparoscopy) before then 3 colonoscopies, gastroscopies, many MRI'S, thousand ultrasounds, sending me home to go get some exercise,that I go get pregnant because my time is ticking since hormone for fertility is low. I can't give my baby girl a brother or a sister. Or have sex with my husband. I look like a skeleton since they destroyed my bowels, food literally hurts me so bad. I am tall and I usually worked out before to gain weight, dranked proteins, ate like a lion, I have fast metavolism.. Now I can't and I am severly underweight. When I do take out my child, in pain, always, other mom's look at me like I am a junkie, and i feel so guilty. I want my life back. I want to live. I don't want this. I mean, better to me than to my child. But I wish I could take a swim with her. Today I have had enough. She swam with her dad. I, like always, watched from the beach because swimming hurts me and I get a flare... (!!!) i used to swim so much. I used to live on the beach during summer... Now my baby started to swim like a little fish and she was waving at me and I started to cry in front of everyone on the beach. I can't do that with her. I am TIRED OF ENDOMETRIOSIS. BUT i can't escape. I'm just so sad. So tired. I cannot believe this is me now. In one day my whole world was taken away. Nausea, hormones, surgeries, and a promise of forever in pain. I just want to live, to work, to provide, to keep my marriage, to get dressed like before, feel pretty, feel like a woman, not like a patient all the time. 😭I'm crying so hard right now. Why this why. I wake up in pain and lay down in pain. I read my baby bed time stories in pain and hold my breath then breathe out and sing her twinkle twinkle little star while i silently let out tears from my eyes. It's not LIFE. And who ever I ask for hysterectomy as a cure.. I don't get positive feedback I just.. I'm hopeless and I had to rant. I'm sorry. I'm just feeling like I could day every day the way my heart breaks for people I love that watch me disappear in this.