How I came to be a mistress

When I was 17 my first break up left me in shambles, it was an abrupt sudden break up. One minute he said I’m so in love with you you’re the best girlfriend and 3 minutes later he wrote “I can’t do this.” This confusion, or the fact that somebody could be here one minute and gone the next, or the fact that in relationships you give your person immense power to immensely emotionally impact your life and shatter it. At any second. They carry so much power. I slf hrmed after this break up. I never did it again, but that state i entered was so dark, I never wanted to see it again.

My self defense mechanism became avoiding any and every single emotional vulnerability so that I could protect myself from ever giving anybody the power again. And yes, I’ve been to therapy. I could never talk to my parents about this, I never received emotional support or even a listening ear when I was young. I’m almost 25 years old now with little to no skills in expressing myself properly. At least verbally.

Somewhere in me i needed revenge against the general population of men. To prove to myself that I too, can just simply move on from a situation and not be hurt. So I slept with many people when I was 17-21. It was to the point I would have a one night stand and be utterly offended if the man contacted me the next day, attempting to connect on a deeper level. I much preferred to never see their face again, and felt inconvenienced if they tried to create a connection. Like ugh? why can’t they catch the hint? I don’t even like you.

I met a man. He was the first to give me space, and motivate me to chase him. The first thing I remember thinking was, oh here’s my karma. Someone who treats me like I’ve been treating these other people. I knew he would be trouble, but for those same dark qualities I had in myself, I could see them in him. And an obsession started, I thought it was for him but in hindsight it was an obsession of learning myself through him, in a world where I feel so misunderstood, and so incapable of identifying myself and putting it in to words.

He treated me like shit. And I mean shit on the side of the road. He would try and make plans but ghost with no reason. He was hours late at times. We would text maximum 3 words per text. But I was addicted. This reflected my self worth, I clearly thought i wasn’t even worthy of a single thing.

It was purely sexual, I don’t think he knew anything about me at first, and vice versa. It wasn’t until a year in where he asked me, what are we? Just this question made me run back to my shell. I told him we’re just having fun.

We continued to sleep with eachother, as I experienced the best sexual chemistry that single-handedly made me loyal to him sexually as I cut off all of my other partners/potential partners. I was sexually satisfied and was no longer looking. He became an obsession.

I would cry because I felt used, victimizing myself the same way I did since young. Until one day I let it out on him, that I hated how he treated me. safe to say, he heard me because after they he completely changed. We would stay at beautiful airbnbs, dinners, conversation, gifts, and we explored new avenues of our sexuality together, creating brand new kinks and desires that were acquired tastes to eachother.

This went on for a year and a half before I learned he was married. His wife was a low list actress, and he is the cousin of a famous celebrity. Since someone else told me this (his “best”friend) I had no info. One day I finally stalked all his friends socials since he had no socials. Found the wife, she wore no ring, didn’t claim him publicly, had no photos of him, not a trace. I made assumptions that were convenient for me, such as they have a failed marriage since he is out every day of the week until 7-8am. We would see eachother on weekdays, week nights, weekends, any time really. Stay the night together and wake up at 8-11am together to get to work. I could never fathom how a wife would be able to sleep alone in bed every night. Knowing the type of lifestyle he lives.

I told myself so many things, like it’s not my business, their marriage sucks anyways, she’s probably using him for his associations, anything. I had absolutely no moral compass.

I never thought of her. She never really crossed my mind. I wanted to have fun, and I knew he would never be my partner… I was just ready to go at anytime.

I tried to just leave so many times, only to go out in the world and see how I’m not attracted to literally anybody. My acquired taste didn’t let me be. I was still going on dates, partying, vacations, meeting so many new guys. If I ever did have something with someone, I would imagine it was him instead.

Not long ago I saw him. It was the most intimate beautiful experience I had with him and the next day it was like I woke up from a dream. Wtf am I doing? Who am I… why the F would I accept this.

I understand he gave me more than sex in that moment and it triggered my vulnerability, I felt open and susceptible to being hurt so I had to sabotage it. I told him I hated how he treated me, even though he had been acting so perfect for the last 1.5 years, and the last time i saw him. He pleaded to meet me in person but I didn’t let myself be so naive this time. I am so insanely attracted to him that I know I’ll end up doing something I don’t know.

He pleaded to just have the conversation face to face, but something in my body, in my being doesn’t let me talk my emotions. I can’t open up, he doesn’t even know I’ve known about his wife for 2.5 years. I can’t be honest about how I’ve felt since day one, I can’t bring myself to admit how much he’s actually hurt me and continued to f up my entire views of marriage. It was too late, I was so in love or in limerence with him by the time I found out. I couldn’t imagine letting him know that i knew his secret this whole time. He would confess his feelings for me, ask me to be mine, express distress about wanting to be with me. Knowing what I knew, I wouldn’t give in to these delusions. We were both secretly hiding our feelings and drenching in the sadness that we couldn’t be together. Besides, since I never truly opened up to him he probably really thought I didn’t care about him that much. We had been intimate for 4.5 years until last month. I feel like all relationships are frauds. I feel like I’ll never be able to find both emotional and sexual satisfaction in 1 person. I genuinely believe I’ll have to split it in two.

I understand that I let myself get manipulated. I saw through it the whole time and accepted it. I understand I’m so effed up by my past decisions to even get to this point. I understand that is not the man for me, he never will be. I understand that I have severe commitment issues and choose men that are unavailable. I understand I played a huge part in to why he barely knows the real me.

I don’t know how to let go of these beliefs. Like I said a switch in me clicked, I woke up, and felt the extreme pressure to identify with my morals.

I guess he got nervous or paranoid so now he’s blocked me because I didn’t meet with him face to face. I’m so relieved he took that step because if he kept persisting I would eventually fall.

I was obsessed with that man because he reflected my most deep inner insecurities and beliefs.

Please internet parents give me parently advice. I feel worthless, I’m ashamed, I’m incredibly guilt ridden. I feel disassociated from that person. This story is a reflection of my past, everything I’ve gone through that led me here.

I’ve consistently ruined my views on relationships and what it means to trust someone, I do not want to be so damaged and so negative. I don’t know how to repair this. I feel I’ve seen the worst of the worst