Does my mum know

Hi, throwaway account Im 37 and for the past year I’ve really been questioning my sexuality, it hit me like a ton of horny bricks after I kissed a girl (I know from this sub catalyst is taken in different views… and despite us saying we want to connect with havent which pains me but that’s for another time maybe)

Anyway I’ve read all about comphet, and I can’t shake the feeling my mum has always known I’m not 100% straight, over the years she has very mad if I’ve slept in the same bed as one of female friends, at uni it was just something we did after a night out (no kissing, sexual stuff just chat and fall asleep) when a uni friend came to stay in my home town we just slept in the same bed, my mum was very angry at me for weeks and made comments like what would you say if you’re brother had done that with one of his male friends, I really didn’t understand the big deal. I used to have screensavers of female artist I adored (looking back now it was the way they looked not just their voice/music I adored) and she always used to make comments ‘what have you got that woman on there for’ I lived with a friend for a few years, we’d party etc my mum would without fail every weekend I said I’d been out ‘you two need to find boyfriends’ I made a comment once about ‘everyone being a little bit gay’ I can’t remember what even made me say this but the look she gave me is engraved in my eyes.

Sorry this probably doesn’t make much sense but just getting it out of my system

I feel like she’s just put me off ever questioning myself, we’re not religious or anything but I know that if I ever came out to my family they wouldn’t understand and would probably reject me

It really was a lightbulb moment when I kissed this girl, like wow. So much so I broke up with the man I was seeing and have been looking into myself but still confused

Can’t go back to edit, at the top I meant ‘catalyst’ is taken differently, but I really feel like this woman is mine in getting me to realise I’m not 100% straight, I want to do things to her I’ve never even thought of before