I've recently been struggling more than I have in a long time

A couple days ago I was with friends and drinking, a sort of ritual we developed since we all have the same days off. I had some alcohol problems in my early teenage years but I believed I had gotten over them a long time ago. At one point in the night I ended up sending a drunk voice message to my most recent ex, which we had separated on good terms, including me still having struggles over my previous relationship. The message didn't really include anything, I mostly just got distracted and talked to my dog, but I still ended up sending it. I only realised the next day that I had made a mistake, so I went and apologised to her, I felt horrible. A day passed with no response, so I went to apologise again and found that while she hadn't blocked me, she did unadd me on Snapchat, where we talk. It hit me very hard, so I sent an apology on discord fully acknowledging that I had messed up and that it was completely disrespectful what I did, and stepped away.

After that incident I started dwelling on it more and more and my reality started to hit me. I realised I had been drinking more and more recently during our weekly visits, to where I was getting drunk every time, as compared to it being only during some sort of event. I also had started drinking outside of those days, while not getting drunk still drinking when I didn't need to. I also thought about how I had just possibly destroyed one of the very few healthy relationships I had because of my dumb choice, and how I had been so unfair to them time and time again. All of this, ontop of an ongoing identity crisis and the pains of trying to move past a particularly rough relationship(the one before the last) It started to get overwhelming, and I ended up having an episode that led to some harmful acts against my body, the first time in a little over 3 years. Once I realised that it only got worse.

The past 3 days since I've been fluctuating wildly emotionally. A day ago I had two episodes, where after the first I had felt dirty, and went to shower only to have another episode after seeing myself and smelling cigarette smoke in my hair. I couldn't and haven't been able to even look at myself in the mirror since, and I've had minor anxiety attacks in between. I haven't had a harm episode since the initial time but the second episode came close and I had to sit on my hands.

I am currently getting help from two very close friends who have experience in circumstances like this and one who has been with me for a long time who was initially the one to help me ween away from self destructive acts like that. I appreciate them both and I would be in a much worse position without them. I'm sure a lot of people here as well have their own advice and such, and I appreciate it too but this post is mostly so I can just properly express my emotional state and get it out in a more healthy manner. To also assure people, I am not having any suicidal thoughts. Just episodes of harmful spouts against myself.