It's not about you..but okay.

I left home between 13-15 years old. My father wasn't in the picture and my mother and I didn't have a good relationship EVER. The entire family on her side and my fathers have deleted her from their lives. Majority of them tried to be civil with her, because my brother and I were kids and they wanted to be there for us but my mom is CRAZY so it was damn near impossible. She's really impossible and impossible to have any sort of relationship with. She's never had a friend after highschool, can't keep people around because of her behavior.

We talk maybe once every few years for a few minutes. A small text exchange, I can't do any more than that because I feel she's mentally unstable and I don't have time for the B.S. everytime weve tried to be friendly, instantly she starts something and I block her.. everything is everyone's fault besides her. Nothings ever her fault, I refuse to listen to this as an adult. I refuse to even talk to her about trauma caused in my childhood because it was always my fault. I left home for a reason.

Now at 29, I'm pregnant. We rekindled our relationship (lol, if that's what you want to call it?) 2 months ago. I'm due in March, we were having a text conversation about my obgyn which turned into a conversation about the delivery and paperwork.

Here is the conversation:

Mom" I'll be there every step of the way u just gotta let me know promise me k?

Mom: U need someone and that someone is me

Me:It's not that I need help with it, it's that I simply don't want to do it and don't care for it.

Mom: I'm talking about the birth lol

Me:Oh lol well my only concern is dying while giving birth and you guys separating my dogs and just throwing out all my shit without care lol.

Mom:Stop it. I'm fkn serious, k?

Mom: I want to be there every fucking step the second u know and u will know

Me: Yeah but I also like my space so idk how that's going to work out lol

Mom: So wut r u telling me?

Me:As far as labor goes I don't want anyone in the room and I also don't want anyone coming home with me the day I get to go home either lol. I just like my privacy and space. I mean that can change but I doubt it lol that's just my personality

Mom: I want to know what I can do this is unreal that Myy own daughter can't promise me I will be there for my grandchilds birth?

Me:I don't even feel comfortable with the doctors being there, which is why I wanted an at home birth lol. My ex-boyfriends haven't even seen me completely naked. not looking forward to a whole bunch of people staring at and touching my body for hours.

Mom: It's not just about you but ok

That last text flooded me with negative emotions. That one and the "you need someone and that someone is me". Lol WHAT. Where were you the past almost 20 something years of my life lady?? Is it my hormones? Am I in the wrong? What does she mean it's not just about me? I've been raising myself without her help since I was a pre-teen, even younger if you'd like to get technical. But it's not just about me? My body, my first child, but it's not about me?

I don't want her in the room with me, but I told her she can wait outside the room like anyone else that might want to come. (I don't see why that's that bad?)

I don't want her or anyone coming home with me. I've been living alone since I was a pre-teen (with the exception of moving exes in with me from time to time) and I really enjoy my peace and quiet. (I came from a very loud angry italian-american household and to this day loud families can be triggering. I made my home the opposite of what I hated growing up and I want to keep it that way for my son. I also just feel violated with her being in my home. I'm 29 and have had over 20 apartments and she's never been to any of them. I have 2 dogs and I'm going to be a single parent so the first day coming home is a really important day for my dogs and I, they have been my only children for about 5 years now and it's very important to me that I introduce my baby to my fur babies alone, to avoid over stimulation, excitement, activity, confusion for them and myself.

Now she won't speak to me (completely fine with me) yet I am crying because I feel guilty that I hurt her feelings. Someone who I hardly even care about. I guess.

Not sure if this is the best place to post this.