Are more “severe” narcissists happier or actually more miserable? (The way they outwardly look — I assume all narcissists ARE miserable on the outside?)

I find it confusing because my mother seems MORE narcissistic but also perpetually miserable — always looks sullen and sorry for herself.

I think maybe my dad is more overtly narcissistic but LESS narcissistic or maybe just has narcissistic traits? Whilst my mother is a covert malignant narcissist? Or vulnerable narc? Or sociopath?

(Trigger warning: abuse/sexual abuse mentioned, but not detailed in any way)

My dad seems less narcissistic at times and seems happier — seems happy to help me and to talk to me without expecting that much in return and seems to have SOME empathy — unlike my mother who won’t do ANYTHING for me without massive amounts of guilt tripping.

But my dad can seems more narcissistic than my mum at times by the way he judges people very harshly and the negative things he comes out with — saying the world is a terrible place etc. judging people’s appearances. Saying other types of things, racist things.

My mum also even says to him to “stop the negative talk” even though that makes her a massive hypocrite.

but overall my dad seems “nicer” and happier than my mum but also more overtly narcissistic at times — it’s tricky to explain. However, my mum seems farther along the narcissistic spectrum than he does….. oh actually they both seem sometimes kind of psychotic at times with their strange beliefs and paranoia — thinking that strangers want to hurt them or people just want to “use” them, making themselves out to be victims constantly etc.

My dad seems very focused on people’s money/status/wealth and physical appearance. Which makes me think he is a narc of some kind.

My mum physically/sexually/emotionally abused me as a kid. She’s very manipulative and perpetually miserable and quiet — she ignores me like she wants nothing to do with me — it’s like she’s realised her tactics don’t work on me anymore, so she’s “given up” by just sulking and being miserable in the corner judging people negatively with my dad or even talking badly about me. My dad then joins in but laughs whilst doing it. Then she smiles but then returns to her sullen miserable self.

My dad sometimes frequently physically slapped me and raged at me as a kid — but seems more chilled out now and even jokes around and can laugh at himself — my mum is very easily offended and cannot laugh at herself at all, whilst he sometimes can.

However, dad’s jokes can be quite dark and unnerving. He can be quite grumpy and extremely negative and judgemental. It’s like his two moods are happy, joking around about negative/dark things, laughing at people OR grumpy, criticising and moaning about how awful the world/people are — with a massive frown on his face and groaning noises whilst angrily staring at people or ME if I’ve somehow upset him — side eye at me, until I offer him food then he perks up. He also thinks it’s fine to fart loudly on purpose and finds it funny to gross people out by it. He will also talk about farts etc. whilst people are trying to eat — it’s like he gets a thrill out of it. But overall he seems like a “better narc” than my mum because atleast he’s stopped fights and arguments from escalating and tries to make peace sometimes — she never does that.

Another thing that confuses me is that they both are never rude to wait staff — I thought this is a really common trait — maybe they think being nice to wait staff will get them free things? They’ve gotten free drinks/wine before tbh. Whenever they’ve had “drinking friends” or other couples to have drinks with— they criticise them heavily behind their backs afterwards. Then started criticising friends infront of other couples — then I think the other couples realised what my parents are really like and stopped hanging around them. I’ve noticed that their friends don’t last long either. A few months and then they’re gone — I don’t know where they went.

Also seems odd how my aunt and cousin suddenly moved across the other side of the country when I was 4 years old — I wonder what really went on there, because they literally lived around the corner from my family.