It's been 4 years without PMO

I've had a couple slips, and a notable one (where I browsed for a while) recently.

Life utterly changes, nothing can describe how life changes, it just does. I DON'T want to go back.

Yet, I am struggling more than ever, and I don't know who to ask for help. I am going to a 12 step program. My sponsor just lost his father and he is working out the logistics of that out of state. I am super stressed about life. I have safari blocked on my phone, and I turn my phone off at night and put it in another room (as well as all other electronics).

I am long term dog sitting and I have been alone the majority of the time for 7 weeks. I am trying to record an album in this time and sometimes it is just brutally frustrating (50 takes, stuff interrupts takes).

I just have a million ideas of stuff I want to search, and it is nothing further than a couple button presses away. It is the purest definition of white knuckling. It is extremely physically exhausting and painful to exercise this amount of will power constantly.

I have had multiple mini slips (looking at lude stuff for a couple minutes) in the past couple days. All of the self talk I have ("the industry is unrealistic and inhumane," "it makes my girlfriend insecure," "It creates a cheating habit pattern") sounds like gibberish and I only care about two unconscious ideas in my brain: "I don't wanna be that person anymore", and "I just want to see it so so so bad."

I cannot describe how deep this shit goes. It has to do with everything in my life.

Peace and love,

QUIT PORN!