Changed my mind on termination

Just wanted to get some thoughts down and see if others had similar experiences, so here goes…

Found out I (32F) was pregnant 6 weeks ago - I’d been on the mini pill so hadn’t had a period in a long time so had no idea how far along I was, thankfully was only 6 weeks. My partner (41M) and I have been on/off for about 2 years and he’d just had a vasectomy. Between that and the pill - pregnancy didn’t seem like an option for us let alone something either of us wanted. He’s already got 3 children and I have one from previous relationships. Abortion, when I found out, seemed like the right thing for us.

However, due to cancellations of appointments, issues with local abortion doctors being sick and long waits for appointments, I’m now 12 weeks and abortion just doesn’t feel right for me anymore. I have an appointment scheduled next week for the consultation and first pill. The more I think about it the less I want to do it.

My partner does not want me to continue the pregnancy. He’s concerned about any financial implications, his eldest is 18 and his youngest has additional needs so feels he couldn’t handle another child, and made his views clear long before I even fell pregnant. I also did not want any other children and have encouraged his vasectomy for the last year, but it feels different for me now it’s no longer abstract but happening. Would I be totally horrible to go through with this against his wishes? I wouldn’t expect involvement from him when he’s made that clear, and I have a great support network who have been wonderful with my first.

My other worry is my first child - they’re almost 12 and just started secondary school. I worry a new baby is too big a change for him, when it’s just been the 2 of us for so long. Does anyone else have a similar age gap and if so how did you/they find it?

I had a counselling session through the abortion provider. She asked me to think about my life in one year, where I do and don’t continue the pregnancy. When I thought about continuing the pregnancy, I felt happy and when I thought about not I just felt uncertain about my future. The biggest factor in any uncertainty I’m still feeling is the impact on others - my child, my partner and his children. If it was me and the baby in a bubble it’s something I want but I’m aware that’s not the reality. I’m scared to make the wrong decision when there’s other people impacted, but I feel like the only one I’d regret is having the termination.

I feel like I struggle to talk to anyone in my ‘real life’ as they come with their biases on what they want me to do so I’m looking for something more impartial. Any advice or similar experiences you’re comfortable sharing would be appreciated.