Is feeling lost in life after abusive childhood normal?

Hi. I am 21M, and I am currently abroad in College, away from the chaos at home for the past 4 years.

I realized my mother was emotionally abusive and a total manipulator ever since the middle of high school, and began to doubt her violent authority over me. After confrontation, she has decided to say that she'll "leave me alone if that's what I really want" and has stopped trying to communicate in any way. She still makes food for me when I go back home during holidays, but she refuses to acknowledge me being there.

Surprisingly, I have felt a little taste of freedom away from her, and college life has been kinda nice. My self esteem is rising, though slowly.

But a certain fire that used to keep me at my best performance, always the straight-A student, has sort of faded. I struggle with studies now, and lack any motivation to do anything at all. I almost feel pointless. I wondered why this was the case, but it makes sense now.

Only a few months ago did I realize that my brain's messed up in all sorts of ways, one of those being the reason behind me feeling tired and motivationless. In short, I believe that my mother's immature emotional manipulation has wired my mind to need her to tell me what to do next, like a slave who has spent all his life obeying and submitting, and then gets released into the wild, confused and lost.

I have come to a realization that I have no idea who I am, and before now, I have lived for the sole purpose to do try and win over my mother's love and approval, even including the university I'm currently in. And now that my mom is mostly out of the picture, I feel like I don't know anything about myself, and nothing I do or have done has brought me any relief or satisfaction.

I kind of know what she would want me to do in the future, but I have no clue what I want for myself -- an idea that hasn't crossed my mind before now.

So, I am very lost, slowly discovering that whoever my mom tried to mold me into isn't who I want to be. But without that someone, I don't know who I am, and I fear that this may have a very scary influence on my future.

Any opinion/input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.