My girlfriend (27F) and I (26M) are great together and have had an amazing few years, but our sex life is terrible. She’s itching for marriage, I’m not because of this. How do I proceed?

I guess I’m here because I’m truly at a loss on how to proceed. I’d feel terrible if I were to leave over sex, I feel like I’d be doing myself a disservice by staying somewhere I don’t feel desired.

We are great together. We never fight, we never argue, we get on like the closest of couples I’ve seen. We love one another in ways the other appreciates and cater to each other however we can to make each others lives easier, not harder. And we do. I’ve never had a relationship so simple and solid, nor has she. We live together, we share the same values and our goals in life are compatible. We get each other in a really beautiful way. Our relationship is so strong in every way but sexual compatibility.

It’s an unfortunately complex situation. I’ve been with tons of people, she’s been with 2 others. She’s also been assaulted in the past, repeatedly, much of which happened in childhood. As such, her views around sex are…tough. And I understand why, I treat it with the respect and care that those situations deserve. I tread lightly around them when we talk, and I let her open up at her own pace. It breaks my heart, genuinely.

That said, I can’t escape needing more. I’m a very sexual person, very eager to explore and care for my partner in that way. It’s how I show desire primarily and frankly, it’s how I feel wanted. Having someone desire me in that way fulfills me in a way not much else does, single or in a relationship. Most relationships I’ve had in the past, good or bad, there’s been an inherent sexual compatibility that is a huge driver in making us closer, bringing us together. I don’t have that here, and it hurts. We don’t explore things. She doesn’t give head and doesn’t seem to want it. She does nothing but have me penetrate her and end, then we clean up. We don’t use toys, we don’t discuss boundaries, we don’t spice things up in even the most mundane of ways. It’s…pathetic, for lack of a better word. I feel unwanted, I feel undesirable, and I both hate that I’m tied to that as a value and understand why. I also don’t want to give that up part of myself, even if such a thing were possible.

She’s aware of all of this. She knows I need that and that I don’t get that from our relationship, to be blunt. We’re adults and we’ve talked about this as adults. Not in anger, or stress, just as people that love one another and want more in our relationship. I don’t expect this to be an overnight change, but it’s been 3 years and it’s still the most bland, vanilla, done and over with sex I’ve had in a long time. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t, at my core, crave so much more. I don’t want that part of my life to be lacking, now or in the future.

She’s itching for marriage, and while she’s an amazing partner and would be a great mother, I just can’t move past feeling so unwanted in my relationship. It hurts, and frankly pushes me towards us not having sex except for rare occasions, which frustrates me further.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to proceed. Is it worth just kind of accepting that this is something I need to look past? She could seek out therapy for it, but I do NOT want to be the reason for it. I want her to do that on her own, if ever she finds it appropriate. Is it worth leaving for, in hopes of finding a relationship that DOES check that box? I just feel lost and I feel like a shit person for even thinking like this.

Tl;dr: Sex in our relationship is complex, and it gives me pause for moving things forwards. Any advice on how to talk about it more productively or ways forward?