Looking for advice

I'm (25f) developing schizophrenia and symptoms are evolving fast, as I've always been a very anxious person and oversheltered from the world I make everything worse because I panick. I don't know how to balance myself and feel rational and grounded in reality. I asked for disability but I have to wait before I get an answer, I've been looking for a part time job for disabled people. It's easier to get here because I live in France.

I'm extremely disorganized and feel like people are going to murder me or me murder them, I recently tried to kill myself so I was in psych ward

For context: I grew up in an dysfunctional household, I was the golden child and completely smothered by my mother, my dad was absent. Dad is a workaholic, his obsession in life is providing for family, money and career, my mom has little to no life of her own so I was her whole life. My father was beaten by his own father who was a military. So he was extremely permissive and was scared of being authoritarian with me or screaming.

I was always a kid with very low self esteem saying I was not good enough and giving up quite easily, I was discouraged from an early age to try things on my own as I was the little sister and couldn't do things like my older sister. I never developed a sense of responsibility as I was discouraged very early to be autonomous.

I have a sister who's 2 years older than me, she is extremely successful academically. She was less invested by my mother and asked to be autonomous at a young age. I had friends but became more and more introverted and shy as I grew up. Also extremely risk averse as my mom was spending her life going everywhere with me and running to rescue me at every little inconveniences. Saying other people were the problem and that I was perfect. I grew up understanding that the world was unsafe and dangerous and that the only escape is a good paying career or a wealthy husband. I also believed my parents would always rescue me.

My all system belief was completely distorted and unrealistic I was too much rigid as I was asking myself to be perfectly beautiful and perfectly intelligent in order to control everything happening to me. Also I was trying to complete the task of being the perfect kind happy intelligent beautiful little princess, like I was seeing in tv.

I started to have more mental health problems at 17 when i dropped out of high school after my boyfriend left me (I was horrible with him) and developing little acne. Basically I was testing limits and authority but never got any response from caregivers and was left doing all what I wanted since this age. At that time psychologist told my parents to put me boundaries but they didn't knew how so they didn't. I was frequently lashing out at home breaking dishes and my mom would take my hands and scream "(name of my father) call the doctors!!" and my father would look at me and my mother doing nothing as he knew the whole situation was ridiculous.

After dropping out i engaged in a never ending cycle of avoidance. And calling my mom all the time to know what to do and feel safe. I was put in an other high school and spent 2 years to complete high school diploma. After that I decided to go to university and dropped out as I didn't wanted to face my fear of loneliness and growing up, I spent the year at home with my parents (covid lockdown) The problem is that all those things were very unconscious and I had no insight on what life was about.

Also I thought that the goal in life was to be happy as my father always asked me to be happy and I was not happy there and was only happy at home or with my mom so I dropped out. After that I decided to go to another university and completed the first year of it online at home (during covid lockdown). If it wasn't at home I know I would have never complete it as I would have to feed myself and would have had short deadlines. After that I dropped the second year(irl after covid years) and spent the year isolating in another city with a neighbor I became friend with. After that I spent half a year working I a non profit job, I dropped out because my acne came back. After that I worked one whole year in a school part time. After that I wanted to start a formation to work with kids but completely collapsed.

Now I'm 25 living with my grandmother in another city, parents are living near as they are getting older and wanted to move out. I'm completely disorganized as I'm loosing tracks of days, appointments for the very small things I have to do. I also have 0 friends here. I go to the church with my grandmother, I also go to the choir with her, I go to an art class.

But I have very intrusive paranoid thoughts and I'm dissociate 24/7 so I struggle to engage with people and engage in learning autonomy and to remember what people just explain to me as I'm dissociating.

Basically I know Ill never be independent and I'll never reach autonomy, I also will never have a relationship as I'm paranoid and scared of sexual intercourse now.

I'm able to write all this because I feel safe in my bed in my grandmother house. And because at night Im unproductive like everyone else so I don't feel like an outcast anymore at this moment of the day.

I'm terrified of finishing my life in psych ward or in the streets abandoned from everyone as my support network is extremely small and I'm very dependent on them and at the same time angry at them for never putting boundaries during my teens.

I have very negative fixed beliefs about the world and myself but 0 sense of self at the the same time, also I wished I could developed positive bias about the world and myself in order to feel more balanced and hopeful. Do you think CBT is helpful?

I've never developed discipline or willpower to escape from my fears and engage in the world. My defense mechanism are extremely defective. I want to develop it but I struggle as I'm dissociating all the time.

I don't know what to do. Advice are welcomed

Also my last psychiatrist put me on antidepressants because at the time he told me I had borderline.

I feel secure nowhere not with myself and not with others