How to Survive a Haunted House.

We recently moved into an old house in the suburbs. While checking the mailbox, I found a strange pamphlet inside—I’m not sure what to make of it.

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How to Get Rid of a Haunting in Your Old House.

So, you moved into your dream house, only to find out it came with a spectral squatter. Classic. At first, it was just flickering lights and misplaced keys, but now you’re dodging flying objects and feeling cold spots in peak summer. Fear not! With our tried-and-true methods, you’ll have your home ghost-free (or at least tolerable) in no time.

Hauntings can be scary, but most of the time, they’re just… annoying. Your best approach? A mix of practical home maintenance, strategic ignorance, and a few supernatural countermeasures. Follow our guide, and you might just outlast your paranormal parasite.

Step 1: Fix the Infrastructure – Not Every Cold Spot is a Ghost

Before blaming the afterlife, check your home maintenance. Uneven heating? Faulty wiring? Flickering lights? Ghosts love bad electrical work (or maybe it’s just bad wiring). Make sure your heating is consistent and your light bulbs are properly installed. Half your hauntings will disappear with basic repairs.

Step 2: Unwanted Noises? Simple Fix – Headphones

Creepy whispers at night? Mysterious footsteps? Invest in noise-canceling headphones, and boom—haunting solved. If you can’t hear the ghost, is it even there? You’ll finally sleep peacefully.

Step 3: Nightly Hauntings & Bathroom Trips – Control Your Liquids

Most ghostly encounters happen when people wake up to pee. Solution? Drink less water before bed. If that’s not an option, get your diabetes under control or—hear us out—wear a diaper. Ghosts tend to lose interest when they see a grown adult in a nocturnal nappy. Side note: keep petroleum jelly handy if you're going this route.

Step 4: Avoiding Direct Contact – The Power of Salt

Salt is your best friend. 99.9% of ghosts disappear when salt is thrown at them. The other 0.1%? That’s either not a ghost or… your spouse. If it’s the latter, salt is not the solution.

Step 5: The Pet Solution – Choose Wisely

Dogs sense ghosts and avoid them.

Birds & Small Rodents react, but might literally die from fright.

Cats? They know. But whether they warn you is another matter.

Step 6: Holy Help – Leave It to the Experts

Yes, you could Google "DIY Exorcism," but should you? No. Some things are best left to professionals. Call a priest, monk, or spiritual leader of your choice.

Step 7: When All Else Fails – Sell the House

If you can afford it, sell the house. Just be decent and leave this guide for the new owners.

Now go forth and reclaim your home. Or at least try. Some things don’t want to leave, no matter what you do.

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I decided to ignore the pamphlet, thinking it was a joke, until I found my cat staring at the attic door, completely still. Somewhere above, the floor creaked.