I wanna go home

I’ve felt suicidal a lot of times in my life, the latest was after going through supernatural events that lead me to be hospitalized under “psychosis”. I was told that I made up/imagined everything, but I have proof in my memory and in someone else in one instance that I did not make things up or imagined everything them. I came to wrong conclusions at some points and I lost track of my thoughts understandably because the experience I went through shifted everything I thought I knew about reality. But that experience is not the point of the post. I was at the end of doing my PhD in STEM during that period, after I calmed down and despite being so depressed that the first thing I do when I wake up and open my eyes and realize I’m alive is cry, and I also cried myself to sleep every night, I finished the phd. I was so depressed but through love of family and friends I found my way back. And I also decided that working a normal job isn’t gonna make me happy, a life with a traditional job isn’t gonna make me happy and I said that to my family and they told me not to worry and they’ll take care of me if a job isn’t gonna make me wanna kill myself. Once I was stable, slowly an idea of a series of novels came to me and I started working on it and it was what brought me back to life, and I do believe they’ll be successful because they’re divinely guided, the way help comes to me, the way ideas come to me, I just know it’s an educational material that I need to share with people even if it’s in a fun form. I truly believe it’s the reason I went through everything in this life, all the hardships, all the education, all the reading, all the talent I was given at birth. So I am happy, fulfilled, not worried about future, I’m very separated from my ego I think and people’s opinions or comments dont affect me much, i am very healthy I believe and I’m living a healthy balanced life. Despite everything going so well and literally having nothing to complain about, I can’t stop feeling tired of doing life, I cried a lot today because “I want to go home”. It was the first time I articulate the feeling in these words, it’s usually I want to die or I dont want to live. Mind you, I don’t want to die, because I have a purpose I need to fulfill first. I know I need to stay. I still feel like I don’t understand, I read any and every text on the occult and beliefs from different sources and I still don’t understand, I cant practice because I live with family and they’re very religious so I try to do small inconspicuous things. But mostly I write to calm my mind, channel and fulfill my purpose. How do I live with that? I’m 31, my books are 8 so they’re going to take a while to finish, so I have to find a way. I understand that feeling sad is part of life and part of the rhythm of the pendulum of life. But I don’t know what to do. I also want to reiterate, I’m not suicidal or sad or miserable, I’m really content and blessed in this life. It’s just a nagging feeling I can’t shake