It may seem impossible now, but you can stop drinking

Exactly three years ago I was drunk. I had been drunk almost every day for 18 years or more. Before then I was drunk most weekends. I don't honestly know exactly when it became daily but it was around about the time I became a father that I noticed it. A glass of wine over dinner became a bottle, became two bottles. Weekends an excuse to start at midday.

I don't remember when I first became aware that it was a problem but I had known for years that I was drinking too much. So I had tried to only drink at weekends, I had tried to just limit myself to one glass of wine in the evening. I even managed to stay sober for three months several years ago and all it took was one glass of wine at a meal for me to fool myself that I was in control.

I was not in control. I drank even more.

Life was a grind. I wanted to stop for good but I couldn't figure out how to do it. My life seemed to revolve around this liquid. I let it define me. I didn't know how to live without it. I didn't want to. I wanted to be able to enjoy a glass of wine even though one was never enough.

I became sorry for myself and utterly miserable. I would often be disappointed when I woke up in the morning as it meant having to live the same day yet again. The same sluggishness from the wine still sloshing about, the fuzziness, the lethargy, the self loathing and waiting for 5pm to open the first bottle of wine even though today, today I would not. You see? I wasn't an alcoholic - those are people that drink as soon as they wake up. No, I just had a boring life and wine added a bit of fun. Yes, attending all events drunk, driving drunk, arguing drunk, basically take any normal thing and add booze and it immediately becomes fun.

And yet something didn't add up. I definitely wasn't having fun. Where was this idea coming from? My idea is that I need to stop drinking and yet this is not what happens. How can I want one thing but do the complete opposite of it? This wasn't making sense.

Addiction has a life of its own. It's a parasite. And it needs a host. This invader has the ability to control the actions of its host. It does this by suppressing the hosts intentions and whispering its own. Oh it's very sly. Have you seen the movie Inception? In this movie it is understood that the best way to influence someone's actions is to construct a narrative within which the victim is directed towards some outcome but they believe they have arrived out of their own free will. It is a deception.

Addiction is a superlative deceiver. It tells us that we want to drink, that we need to drink. It provides all of the reasons to do so and quickly dismisses ideas to the contrary.

And three years ago it almost deceived me yet again. I had decided that I was going to try dry January. It was going to be an experiment. Lots of people do this and I needed a break. And yet here I was on the 3rd of Jan drunk. Monkey, as I later began to call it, had convinced me that we would start later, once I returned to work.

I had already failed. But I was desperate. So I dismissed the idea of failure and convinced Monkey that I just need a break. I just want to get to the end of Jan dry. No more than that. I need it. It's not a never again situation, just a short term goal to regain a bit of balance. I actually did stop on the 5th Jan 2022

It was a frantic time. I think I knew I was going to drink again.At least I didn't believe I could stay sober for long. I had tried counselling. I had tried AA. If not for the crippling dread of figuring out how to explain that I was in rehab, if not for the self loathing of wanting to spend money I did not have and did not feel I deserved, I might have gone that route also.

I found r/StopDrinking. It was a lifeline. A simple pledge every day to people who can relate to me. I would read their stories and not feel so alone. And then somehow, day by day, I survived. I stopped dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow became a reward for actions taken today. I became grateful to myself - my yesterday self - for giving me an opportunity to live today. And so I began to honour the favour given to me by making use of my day and paying it forward for tomorrow me.

It was hard for a while. It took about 9 months for me to stop worrying about booze. I was sure alcohol would find it's way into me somehow! That's how mischievous addiction is. I was on guard constantly which was itself quite draining. But eventually I became to understand that the only way alcohol could get into me is for me to allow it. I have agency - against the first drink. But that's all I need!

Just one drink. By not having just one drink I have discovered a life. By deciding against just one thing I have opened doors to other possibilities, to experiences that were previously unachievable, to relationships that are meaningful, to a life that is not only manageable but enjoyable. I stopped moving away from something and started moving towards something. I found the compassion to forgive myself and to move on.

It's not impossible. It will feel like it at first but you can do this. It will get easier. You will start to feel better. You will be able to face life's challenges. You will start to see that you are not your addiction, that you would never make the same choices your parasite does. You have been lied to, deceived. You deserve better.

I will not drink with you today 🤎