I look sick

Day 1 again and this is it I’m tired of looking so sick. I don’t care about the dry skin, the weight gain etc. The red face, the red eyes with a yellow hue and overall inflamed appearance is what’s getting to me. I look disgusting. Even my palms are red. No idea how my health checks are coming back clear (aside from high blood pressure). I don’t want to walk around looking so visibly unwell, it’s hard enough looking at myself and seeing the alcoholism all over my face without the crushing paranoia of knowing that everyone else can see it too. I want to hide away until I’m better but that’s not an option. I’m just going to have to push through it. I’d rather swallow gravel than have another drink, it’s ruined everything for me. Praying my body forgives me one last time. Will update on the progress - however long it takes