Truly messed up and am at rock bottom...again

Throw away account because I am too ashamed that someone might recognize me. I've struggled with alcoholism for decades. I'm 40f, well educated, have a great job that I love, and a life I should be proud of. Except I'm an alcoholic with severe depression and commitment issues. Every week, I think about improving my life and being honest and sober, and every week I fail. I have so many humiliating circumstances, a million of them should have been my limit. Except it never is.

Yesterday, I went to an Irish Catholic funeral for a family friend member. I drank the whole day and blacked out. I have no memory taking the uber back home and when I woke up, I saw that I had a call with my brother that I have no recollection of and my partner of twenty years was sleeping on the couch. I was in bed with no blanket. This morning, he grabbed his stuff for work and walked out of the bedroom and apartment to go to work with not a word to me. I don't even know what I could have done. But I think I fucked up this relationship, something I've messed with on several different occasions.

I'm so anxious and embarrassed. I don't even know what to do, but he is clearly not on speaking terms with me. I was too anxious to go into the office so now I'm working from home, but mostly crying and sick.

I don't know where to go from here except that I will not drink with you today.