Are my chances with her over?

This is going to be a long post I think, but there’s a lot I have to say and unfortunately I lost the one person I felt comfortable talking sharing this stuff with and I dont think I can find anyone like her again.

Just for context, I have a lot of personal issues: autism, adhd, and have really a really hard time trusting people and letting them in my ‘inner circle’.

I met this girl (we’ll call her Gwen for now) all the way back in 6th grade. She was my first crush and we both liked each other but since we were middle schoolers we didnt date and just became friends. She quickly became my closest and most trusted friend. I had other friends from like 3rd grade but none of them came as close to her for how much I trusted her. I dont even know what it was about her that made me trust her so much and so quickly, but I trusted her with all my heart. We did lose touch from 7th to 8th because I started getting teased and people calling Gwen my girlfriend so I distanced myself which I deeply regret. And then because of COVID we werent able to communicate at all anymore.

Now, fast forward a couple years, we would see each other around the hall of our highschool and always give head nods or fist bumps. This is probably the most embarrassing part for me, but just from these small interactions I started to fall for her again. Luckily she joined a club I was in and although it was a little awkward at first we started talking again. But this time it was a lot more than it was in 6th grade. We started talking all the time. We’d stay up late on call and we’d go run errands together and volunteer together and just do everything together. I started to really fall in love with her, I never felt that strongly about anyone in my life. Finally we started dating in 11th grade and it was my first relationship and it felt so good. Ive never been much of an emotional person but she helped break down the wall that I have enclosed myself in and helped me learn how to express myself. She helped me through so much and I tried my best to help her through her problems too but I wasnt very good at it. But for the rest of highschool we were really happy together.

The more I thought about it the more I realized why I trusted her so much in the first place. Like I said before, I have some personal issues and because of these things I have always felt people treat me differently. They always baby talk me and try to ‘take me under their wing’ so to speak. But Gwen didnt do that, she truly treated me as a real person and I felt like she looked at me like anyone else and it just felt so gratifying to have someone in my life see me for me and not just see me as a lonely outcast.

But anyways, we were doing good until the summer before college. Things started to really change and I could feel her drifting away. I tried asking what was wrong but she would always tell me it was nothing and she was fine but I knew she wasnt. This went on for a while until I finally asked if she still loved me. She told me she did but we had an argument because she said she felt pressured because she felt that her actions had so much power over me and that she didnt want that pressure anymore and I was pushing her away because of it. I apologized and tried my best to give her space to let her feel less pressured but as the weeks went on I could still feel her drifting more and more away. This made me really sad because what I always valued the most in our relationship was that she was my best friend and I could talk to her about anything, but over those weeks when I would try to talk to her she would always respond with ‘nice’ or ‘sick’ which was nothing like her.

Finally after some time going like this she told me she wanted to talk. I already knew what it was going to be and I never felt so much dread. She told me how she felt and she said how she wanted to become more independent and didnt want to have the responsibility of her actions affecting me while she found her independence and because of that she wanted to break up so she had the space she needed to grow. I can totally see where she was coming from because I can be a lot sometimes and I recognize that but it still really hurt. Although it wasnt all bad because we are still best friends and call and text all the time. The weirdest part is I feel the only part that changed was the title.

Its been nice having her back again since she is responding like she used to and talking to me a lot again. But I dont think I can find anyone like her again. During this break up it has helped me realize what I want in a partner, I dont want a typical relationship that is built entirely on romance, I want a partner like a best friend who I feel comfortable sharing everything with and being with. But I worry that I wont be ever to find anyone like her because I have actually never liked anyone else but her. I have made up crushes to fit in with my friends since they would talk about their crushes so I just chose random people to have a crush on, but only one has ever been real and thats Gwen.

Do you think I have lost her forever?