I Need Help

A year ago I downloaded the Tor Browser and I for the first few days, I wasn’t sure if I should use it. I grew a bit of an addiction pushing myself to watch some of the goriest videos that the internet has to offer. Some of them make my stomach churn and it raises my anxiety but I can’t help myself. I’ve watched several videos discussing the Dark Web and with all the fuss about avoiding it, I felt like it was a challenge. If I continued, maybe I might scare myself into getting some Help.

After a few days, I started with a few simple searches that I researched. Knowing I was accessing the Dark Web was enough of a thrill. I would browse through some safe .onion sites and take in all the information. I was amping myself up to make the dive from what was safe, into why I needed a piece of black tape over my camera at all times. I think there is something deeply wrong with Me.

Eventually I pulled the trigger and opened the first live stream. I couldn’t decipher what I was seeing at first. Some sort of bedroom with the camera angled downward looking over the room. The room was empty and dilapidated apart from something across the room. The quality was bad and the sound was poor but as I squinted my eyes, I began to make out bars on a bed. Just then, a baby crying in the background. I realized I was staring at a crib in what looked like a room from a horror story. An adult male came into focus from the left, cradling something in his arms as the babies wails became more prominent. I clicked off the video and shut the computer off for the night. It was already too much. I needed to give myself a break… I needed to Stop.

Two days later, I pressed onward. I still felt slimy from my last visit but I refused to give up. I promised myself I would be more aware of what I clicked on. Most of the videos were old, some I’ve even found outside of the tor. The livestreams were hard to process. Something about knowing this is all happening in real time made it that much more traumatic. I’m pretty sure I just enjoy torturing myself, but I’m sure you already knew that. I think at this point, I was ready to step up my game. I didn’t want to just watch the same old Killing.

After the first month, the gore didn’t bother me anymore. It took me nearly three months to get over the screaming. There was something surreal about watching those last few seconds after the victim stopped moving. I found myself fascinated by the people in these videos. I did my research looking into missing persons cases and linking them. I was even more intrigued when I would watch interviews relating to the missing persons cases. The tears, the fear in their faces about their missing loved ones… if only they knew. It felt like it was a secret all mine to keep. Watching these family members grieve over their loved ones… so Innocent.

It’s been a year and I can’t stop watching these videos, monitoring the victims movements and playing the audio over again and again. Honestly, I know I need help, but I can’t stop watching these videos. I need to review every inch before I upload them… I need to understand these People.