I hate my ex boyfriend for abusing me and destroying my life and mental health

For reference I'm about to be 20 and he is 27 which looking back is a huge red flag. It started out so amazing. On the 1st date we had such a connection that it seemed uncanny. He was so romantic and checked off literally all of my boxes. He trauma dumped on the first date which for some reason I thought was cute and I did too, which was a major red flag. He has severe childhood/teen trauma that went unresolved his whole life (he had been to therapy once in his life before we met) He also has a plethora of mental illnesses, such as severe anxiety, body dysmorphia, and he has depression so bad that even strong anti depressants don't help. He was VERY anxiously attached at the beginning. We saw each other twice a week for literally the whole day starting with the morning and going till sometimes 2-3 am, which I loved. FaceTimes every night into the morning and on his lunch. I realize as I'm typing this that this was a tactic to get me to become codependent on him, which I was severely. On the 2nd date he revealed he still lived with his ex for financial reasons and that he couldn't escape. He told me he wasn't going to tell them in fear they would snap. I stupidly believed him and he later gaslit me about it multiple times later on. While he did that he lovebombed me and absolutely SHOWERED me with gifts, dinners, that sort of thing. We were even supposed to go on a several thousand dollar trip to California, which he said he would refuse to let me pay for anything. This was weird to me a bit because he only made 18 an hour at the time and somehow drove a Tesla, and owned a 300k house, while also splurging on himself and me. He convinced me and gaslit me into thinking I was addicted to weed, and so I quit for him. It wasn't hard at all. I did get depressed, severely once the gaslighting and manipulation got bad. He pulled away during this period. My stupid self thought it must be the weed and that I was addicted. During this time he also distanced me from my friends and family, turning me against my best friends. At this point in time I felt like a robot. It all came to a head when I left town for a week and a half to spend with family. I was so depressed I barely left the guest room. Then he started getting friendly with his ex again. This messed with me and sent me into a deeper spiral. We had a bad fight about it that night, and the next day he picked me up from the airport and acted like nothing happened. Here is where it just fucking blows up. I had noticed I would always be the one to initiate cuddling, kissing, sex that sort of thing. I don't fully remember what I said but I kept his body dysmorphia in mind and texted something like "Hey so I've noticed u have been initiating a lot less and we're in a semi good spot right now like it would make me feel special if u initiated cuddling and kissing and that sort of thing." He said that triggered living his SA trauma over and over for the rest of the day to the point of saying things like "I wish I was never born the world would be better off without me." I was there for him the best I could but finally said hey we're meeting up tomorrow to actually talk about this." He agreed. The next day was a few days before his birthday, I gave him a letter as an early present that I poured every part of my heart in. All he had to say was "it's good." I tried not to let that bother me. The day went on and eventually he went robot mode and was borderline catatonic which scared me. At this point I had lost literally all touch with reality and had a breakdown. 5 minutes later we were pulled up on front of my house and he broke up with me. Sobbing and everything. My friends answered my FaceTime call to me violently sobbing, having a panic attack, and disassociating in the worst way possible. My best friend was by my side the entire relationship even when I tried to push her away, and I am so glad I did not let a man ruin literally the most amazing friend I could ask for. That night of course I texted him asking for him back, after a REALLY tough day or 2 he decided we could try again but very slowly. When we met up again he was different. Snappy, mean, not even trying to hide who he really was. I had to fucking restrain a 6'2 200 pound man in the middle of Best Buy so he wouldn't get in a fight. Later that night I FaceTimed him saying I was scared about us. I was crying and trying to get some comfort and he just mumbled a few words "ittl be good" was his favorite to use (ugh.) Eventually it got the point he basically said he had to think about if he wanted to continue with us. After a day I got frustrated and asked for an update. He responded with "Dude I'm at work chill the fuck out." This was followed by him violently breaking stuff at his house. So I called a 2 week break. And come back when he's mentally sane. After the 2 weeks were up, he said he got therapy, and that it's gonna be a journey. I said ok what do I need to do to help and he said we could just text each other like once a week. I don't know why I agreed to this but I was so desperate that I did. After a bit of this, he finally called it off. I was checked out mentally by this point, and honestly was ready to let it go. 3 weeks later, there's a massive bouquet of flowers in the kitchen, with a note saying "I know I fucked up. Therapy helped. Please take me back." So I texted him and said ok we have some ground rules. Basically just asking him to treat me how he did in the beginning, including California. It was then he sent a picture of what he looked like. He had lost a lot of weight, and had blonde hair. I had repeatedly warned him that because of my mixed ocd/autism that I recognize faces based on hair, facial hair, that sort of thing. I thought I was crazy for not recognizing him, but hell even my friends and mom said he looks like a completely different person. I was VERY hesitant because of this because I didn't want to cause more pain, but he quickly let the mask slip this time. He said that he never liked calling me babe which was my nickname he called me. He also said he didn't want to do our cute couple game on our phones anymore because it created a toxic environment where we don't communicate (sorry, how is feeding a shared virtual pet and updating moodlets toxic???) He also said he has more trauma he never told me about. I mentioned causally that I told my bestie that he lived with his ex. He freaked out at this, and refused to give me more information about his trauma saying he doesn't trust me anymore. I told him the only reason that I told her and only her is because it had destroyed my mental health and I needed an outlet. He said some more manipulative things so I called it off saying hey u abused me I don't want to do this anymore. He responded with something along the lines of "U emotionally abused me and it's gonna take a while for me to get back into dating. Go fuck urself sideways." He then quoted a Chappell Roan lyric which I will say made me laugh at how fucking absurd and cringey it was. Oh but it gets so much worse. I texted the ex saying "hey so me and __ were dating for a while here's proof we were but he was breaking shit at ur house while u were out of town." Turns out they had been dating since 2017 and never broke up. He lied to me, cheated on me (and his partner along with half of the other twinks in my city) gaslit me, saw how depressed I was, and kept doing it. They planned to confront him and I supported them, said they would update, come to find out the next morning that I, as well as my bestie, were blocked. A silver lining is I did make him go into so much financial debt ittl take him possibly years to recover, lol. Im still depressed. I ruminate on him a lot. It's more than half a year later and I still think about him multiple times a day. I hate him so much but I also miss him. He was the first person I ever truly loved, and I'm scared that he broke me, or destroyed my view on dating forever. I'm not a trusting person anymore. I went from being an extrovert to an introvert. I am a stoner again, and my Pennifer Coolidge has been very good to me. I still cry about him. I know he's probably moved on and doesn't even think about me anymore, I know that's how narcissistic people work. I see him in other people all the time. Any guy with brown hair and a mullet makes me panic, as well as whenever my phone rings. I double check every white Tesla on the road and pray it's not him. While I'm doing a lot better than I was, I still have breakdowns over the tiniest triggers. I've accepted that what I experienced quite literally changed my brain chemistry for the worse with the trauma I endured. I'm so mad at him for stealing the light inside me and leaving me with nothing. I hate him for shutting down at the slightest sign of conflict. I hate him for making my ocd intensify ten fold.