I can’t sleep! And some.

It’s been about a month and a half and sleep is terrible. I’m simply not sleeping. I cannot get myself to sleep in our bed…That’s a hard no for me. I sleep on the couch. I toss and turn and my brain isn’t shutting off. I continue to tell myself he’s dead. I used to sleep walk, talk, eat, etc. before him. That’s stopped since we have been together. I believe he put my soul at ease. But now forget it. I have dreamed about him for almost 45+ days straight now. At first it would wake me up when I told myself he’s dead. But most of the time I’m conscious of it and it’s just eating me away while I am sleeping, tossing and turning. I’m waking up every 30 minutes throughout the entire night. I’m scared/cant to fall asleep to start with.

I can’t watch tv by myself (which is normal for the most part) idk what to do with myself. I bought a laptop because it’s easier for me to watch tv that way. Any type of Concentration is out the door. The things I like now “scare” me because his death was a homicide. Honestly, a lot scares me now. It’s like the fears of a young child. Everything is sensitive. I am triggered by everything. I can’t listened to music almost at all anymore because everything was ours. I am struggling to be or do anything that once brought me joy. I am not me anymore. I feel like an imposter inside my own body. Nothing is mine anymore.

My blessing in this life was taken due to someone’s free will and sin. It was a direct attack from Satan. I was having so much anxiety the week leading up to this. More intensely than I have felt in ages. The kind of anxiety I had before I knew who I was and began to heal. I even warned him about death the NIGHT before. I told him, “if you ever feel like you are going to die, call on Jesus to save you” I didn’t know that I was warning him? I just kept having these thoughts/worries that I felt like I should share with him. This topic is a whole other tangent I could get into…

I prayed for someone like my Logan. I am so thankful for our daughter. I don’t know how I’d ever smile again if it wasn’t for her.

I don’t think anyone in my life knows how badly his death is actually effecting me. I think tonight I accepted that this is just as bad as I thought it was. Or worse honestly. It’s more on my body than I thought it could be.

I have leaned on God a lot and it does works. It’s hard to trust in God during a time like this. I have to keep reminding myself. I pray and in a way he carries me. I have started to read scripture to answer my questions about all of this. I have actually learned many things that bring me comfort. But some things only God knows.

ultimately I am bearing this pain and I do not in the slightest have a grip. My soul is hurting and that is coming out in an emotional and physical form. I just got rid of all my pre-pregnancy clothes. But those would have done me good now. I just never thought I’d ever get that size again. Unfortunately, I am.

I do take steps to help myself. But nothing really seems to be having an affect on me managing life. “Tend to the organism” I once heard on a podcast. Eat, sleep, drink water... I can’t even do those things but I WANT TO. I don’t want to feel tortured like i do.